Wednesday 24th March 2010

observations, scientific and otherwise

it's been seven hours and fifteen five days since she took her love car away. long enough for me to compile an ordered list, of things, just in time for her to come home to.

  1. she claims the covers end up on my side of the bed in the morning because i pull them that way in the night. i claim it's because she rolls exclusively to her left (toward me) all night, converting her own rotational energy into linear motion of the covers. in these last five nights that i've had the bed to myself, the comforter has mysteriously remained perfectly centered, without having to pull the frakking thing four feet back over to her side every morning.
  2. by the narrow definition of the word, i have no actual proof that fast food eaten in a girl's presence tastes better than fast food eaten not in a girl's presence, but i have some anecdotal evidence to that effect.
  3. sometimes, fast food eaten not in a girl's presence does not taste as good as fast food not eaten.

    by the way. 'froots?' i seem to have a vague memory of these 'froots,' and their odd-sounding cousins the 'vej tubbles.' will you please tell me more?

  4. the freedom to leave the seat up is a pretty minor one. i cite the fact it's a well established habit for me to put it down each time, cover and all; leaving it up requires conscious effort and just leaves me acutely aware of the act's underlying emptiness.
  5. bulldog kisses are a damn poor substitute for wife kisses.
  6. pulling on yesterday's socks is way easier than going downstairs and collecting the clean laundry.
  7. cynical schadenfreude is most satisfying when it has the opportunity to annoy someone.
  8. measured in terms of wakefulness, appetite, and leg-jumps per hour, the dog is less happy when chelsey is gone.
  9. measured in terms of wakefulness, appetite, and leg-jumps per hour, the boy is less happy when chelsey is gone.




girls, you just don't know the power you have over boys. if you do know it then you are evil geniuses. evil, pretty geniuses. we just don't stand a chance.


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Wednesday 5th November 2008

on reflection, this is the first u.s. presidential election that has gone my way. i was too young to have an opinion for reagan and to a lesser extent bush 41. i come from a family cut from a deeply red cloth, so when clinton ran in '92 i mirrored my parents and disliked him. it was about high school-ish when i moved more to the left. (i probably owe this lurch to my economics and government teacher; he asked good questions.) in 2000 i didn't know much about gore but was very unimpressed with bush. i voted for nader but preferred gore. by 2004 i was utterly disgusted with bush and had approximately zero interest in kerry; i voted for badnarik but would have preferred kerry.

but 2008! ah, 2008. i was genuinely excited about a candidate, donated to a candidate's campaign, and am profoundly hopeful about where the country and the world can go with this candidate. viewed through the lens of my particular value system, there has been a whole lot of damage done across the board in the last two terms, and i think the next will go a very long way toward healing.


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Wednesday 3rd May 2006

stupid dumb dumbness

what am i doing for lunch this fine wednesday, this very dead-center of the week, this bottomless valley out of which lies the long climb to the weekend?

grumbling in mouth, mind, and stomach.

i go to the local mctaco king in the box outlet and sit in line for nigh ten minutes before ordering. it is only then that i realize i have no wallet. in this greedy grubby society people rarely do things without thought of reward, and corporations never do; thusly i sputter curses and mumble something under my breath when the nice guy at the window asks me for five stupid bucks. the loose change in the car has all been spent on coffee, and (being picky about financial matters) they don't accept discarded wrappers or bits of gravel as legal tender.

i speed back to work expecting to find the rotten thing lying smugly next to some pens and folders and such—but no. it's clearly not here either.

at this point i realize that one of two things is true:
1. my wallet has sprouted a brain and motor appendages and has hitchhiked to parts unknown, maxing out my credit cards on a joyride of sin and debauchery. i will get help from the police who will try their hardest but tell me in the end to just let him go. i will hire private investigators who will turn up nothing. then, just as i am about to give up hope he will call me three weeks from now, using my own calling card, to tell me he's sorry and wants to come home and will i please come to tijuana and pick him up. i will say 'yes, of course, i'll be there as soon as i can.' i will catch the first flight south and we will have a tearful reunion and in the background someone will be singing a jingle and i will see the camera crew and will go on a rampage when i discover it has all been a visa commercial. i will finally be subdued by airport security and army regulars who will throw us in jail. after nineteen months of torture and near-starvation and sensing my death is near at hand, i will tell them all i know, at which point my government will finally locate me and storms the prison, killing my captors and freeing me. i will be too weak to leave with them, though; i will ask for my wallet and i will die in his arms.

2. i left the thing at home where i removed it from my back pocket because it is uncomfortable to sit on.


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Wednesday 22nd September 2004

the best day of my day … so far

got a strange, heavily-stickered and -written upon package via post today:

containing:

  1. a wireless network adapter for a laptop computer, and
  2. a laptop computer.

not just any wireless network adapter for a laptop computer and laptop computer. a very, very special wireless network adapter for a laptop computer and laptop computer.

specifically the laptop computer I had sent to a right bastard somewhere across the atlantic* after I had sold it to him on ebay for the agreed-upon price of US$750.

he wanted me to use an escrow service (escrowtm.com—though they no longer exist so don't bother looking) that would, so he said, hold his money until he verified receipt of the computer, at which point they would send me the money. so I cheerfully sent the package off that morning. hatelife died that afternoon. I had friends over for my birthday party that evening. it was a very significant day in my life.

soon after, the guy wanted to know where his laptop was, hurry it up, give me the tracking number again, etc. fearing negative ebay feedback, I did my best to help him out.

I went about my business with only an occasional passing thought about the computer. I didn't have the money yet, but no big deal, I have bigger things to worry about. in the meantime I graduated. I said some vows in front of some people. I designed and implemented a honeymoon.

then I came back from the honeymoon. still no money, and the communication had stopped. I was flummoxed. 'hmmm,' I said. I went to the escrow site again, and lo! no website. very fishy, I concluded. I googled the website and much to my dismay discovered that it was quite fraudulent and gosh what an idiot I am. I kicked myself and wailed and gnashed teeth and carried on and thought of a way to lightly drop the news on my lawfully wedded wife. tears and sighs ensued.

I reported it to everyone I could think of (ifcc, fbi, mi6, kgb), but didn't tell anyone else. for example, you people are learning of this before my mother is. I blame embarassment. it's not every day you throw away a significant amount of value and hope to be reimbursed based on a promise and a website. seriously: thirty seconds' research could have prevented the whole thing.

and when nothing turned up and the usps website said the package had been delivered, I resigned myself to the whole stupid situation. if I were calvin, my dad would probably say 'losing money builds character.' and if that were the case then I've built a whole lot of character lately.

so when the postman rang the doorbell this afternoon, you might be able to better understand my happiness.

now my wife is saying that the pears in the kitchen are ripe and we must eat them immediately.

what a day.



p.s. through the magic of the internet I saw you squinting to try and see my address. foiled again, villain.

*GIORDANO BRUNO, of
93 WADDINGTON STREET
STRATFORD
LONDON
E15 1PJ (UNITED KINGDOM), YOU ARE A RIGHT BASTARD

~escrowtm.com, YOU ARE A BUNCH OF RIGHT BASTARDS


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Wednesday 1st September 2004

why I'm a whig

for the last few days, I've had npr's coverage of the republican national convention playing in the background. every time the audience starts chanting 'four more years! four more years!' I chant along with them, 'we are sheep! we are sheep!' and it gives me such a great sense of oh-I-hope-no-one-heard-that.

the republican national convention reminds me a lot of the democratic national convention. 'everything the other party does is wrong, they're lying about us, and if you have any sense at all you'll vote for us' seems to be a major, repeated theme.

rudy giuliani made quite a big show of john kerry's flip-flopping, quoting kerry: 'I actually voted for the $87 billion [iraq spending bill] before I voted against it.' it was, the diligent reader will note, the eighty-seven billionth time a republican has used that particular john kerry quote against john kerry.

segue into:
recently I heard the idea presented of a 'kerry v. kerry' debate, where on one side would be john kerry before he thought about running for president and he was voting for the war, saying how good an idea it was and such; on the other side would be john kerry the presidential candidate, who voted against the war, saying how bad an idea it was. it would be equally possible to create a 'bush v. bush' debate, with the bushes before and after the war in iraq. on one side would be george bush saying saddam hussein has weapons of mass destruction and he's going to use them any time so FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WE HAVE TO STOP HIM, and dick cheney/donald rumsfeld/colin powell would be there to back up his story; on the other side would be george bush saying 'well gosh, I mean, we never really knew he had weapons of mass destruction, that's just the media's liberal bias talking,' and dick cheney/donald rumsfeld/colin powell would be there to back up his story. if done properly, both could be works of art.

10 ON
20 AND
30 GOTO 10


drew sez: 'every night before i go to sleep i pray that ralph nader will find and capture osama bin laden by himself, right before the election, just because it would make every single politician extremely angry' (and I am forced to agree.)


it's a well-known fact that the great problem with power is that those who would really be good with it are precisely those who don't want it. I don't want it, so vote for me.

I'm not voting for george bush, neither am I voting for john kerry. why? as closely as I can tell, their platforms are (respectively) as follows:

  • september 11 and iraq [wait for applause], so vote for george w. bush.
  • john kerry is not george w. bush [wait for applause], so vote for john kerry.

it follows, as you might expect, that I'm voting for voldemort.


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Thursday 29th April 2004

freedom, it certainly is Wednesday night.

I certainly am a bit indulgent tonight it seems.

it's probably not a good thing that I only have one class on Thursdays because that's the day that I (theoretically) have a lot of time to do things but it's (practically) the day that I feel I can get away with doing nothing. therfore I have the right to do a few 1.25-ounch curls.

where does all this Dido music come from? why does she only sing when I'm had a couple?

DIDO
HOW DO YOU ALWAYS SEEM TO KNOW WHEN I'VE BEEN DRINKING
YOU"RE FREAKING ME OUT STOP IT STOP IT

OH YOU'RE GOING TO SING ME SOME NICE MELLOW MOOD-Y SONGS YOU SAY? WHY DID YOU NOT SAY SO OF COURSE YOU CAN STAY HERE HAVE A SHOT OR TWO. I'M PRETTY FAR AHEAD OF YOU, HERE YOU'D BETTER HAVE AT LEAST FOUR

too many caps in a row

jim_ never comes around anymore. it's a shame. I'm addicted and I need my fix.

poems write themselves in my head. if I close all my eyes I can see them all with my mental open eye, like on a chalkboard in a world that only I can go to.

I've started meditating agani. I can't remember exactly when or why I stopped. perhaps it wasn't a strong enough habit for me, but NEVER FEAR HATELIFE it's back on now .

I've learned more about lelia in the last two days than I did in most all of the days before that. but I'm not the kind of guy wh goes around telling people about things like that.

sorry, lelia, but this time it's true, and I really have to tell you that everything I have said so far in this post has been under the influence so I might reserve the right to take it back in the morning OH WAIT I can't because edits are extinct, maybe we used them too much and steve put them on the endangered features list and they need to repopulate for a bit.

why is my head so heavy? mabye I overpaid the gravity bill this month so they gave me too much, who knows. HA that's a joke, everybody knows the gravity bill comes every other month

DIDO please sing mary's in india, that one gets me weepy every time

I'm glad justjane is back. something was different when she was gone and I think her time away has changed her. she seems more serious now, but what do I know. mabye it's me who has changed. I haven't been away or anything but the point is people change and I'm people too.

comfortable love is a strange thing. I used to be crazy in love, and I still am, but it's much more mellow now and I like it but I want the crazy love back at the same time. perhaps this is just my male uber-mating instinct kicking in.

<male uber-mating instinct> GOD DAMN IT you've been with the same woman for three years now MOVE ON, MAN
<matt> but we're in love, we're getting married, marriage is permanent!
<male uber-mating instinct> marriage schmarriage, don't make me cut off the blood to your testicles!
<matt> ow, ow! the thought of that hurts
<male uber-mating instinct> that will teach you! let's go to a bar and hit on some sexy coeds and DAMMIT remember your ID this time, you don't llook a day over sixteen
<matt> NO it is Wednesday night and I must be productive tomorrow
<male uber-mating instinct> there's no cover charge on Wednesday and all the taxis in town know about it!
<matt> I'll get my wallet!
*** matt has left channel #sobriety

the point being that it's sad that the crazy love of nineteen inevitably turns into the comfortable love of twenty-two.

DIDO please play who makes you feel, that song fits my mood just now (thank you dido for living for free with your band inside my computer, you are a lifesaver)

david zilban where have you gone, you poor little emo kid, goth, whatever the hell you were you made me laugh.

NO NO NO NO matt this cannot turn into a plea for replies, we did that already

DIDO please skip to the hidden track of see the sun, that part of the album is really what Ilike to call dope

freedom, I'm manic depressive only they like to call it bipolar these days, I think because manic sounds like maniac and maniac has some negative connotations, but anwyay the point is that alcohol makes it more obvious that I'm manic depressive. I don't think Iv'e ever mentioned this on hatelife YOU SHOULD FEEL HONORED



consciousness fading

cncoses fdn

ccss fn

cs f

-

tell dido thanks.

I love you all so very much.







*** matt has left channel #consciousness


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Wednesday 21st April 2004

the eight habits of barely effective people

1. Google in Klingon. seriously. [http://www.google.com/intl/xx-klingon/]. they also have the 'Elmer Fudd' and 'h4X0r' language options. they have pig latin but no latin proper. is this one of those telling signs of the times I'm always hearing about?

2. everything I really want [http://www.thinkgeek.com/] is way too expensive. fiancee says there's no money in the wedding budget for a $400 keyboard or a 20" LCD monitor. *sigh* [aside]

3. everything I do is on a list. I do something if and only if it is on a list. [tangent]

4. in my poetics class I analyzed the emotional structure of a ghazal using math. I graphed the emotion of a freaking poem and then analyzed the graph. no one in the class understands me. I'm 'the math guy' who 'lives in the engineer building.' NO you BASTARDS I'm a tortured soul locked in the body of a math major. that I happen to be good at math is purely secondary.

5. two consecutive mathematics tests today, in the same room, administered by the same professor. I like the guy, but man. there's just no excuse.

6. figured out today that I missed a doctor's appointment because I'm dumb and wrote it down in the wrong freakin week. I wasn't five minutes late. I wasn't an hour late. I was more than TEN THOUSAND minutes late. basically if you added up all the minutes in a week, then put them all together, and then waited that long all at once, that's how late I was.

7. the tips of my fingers are shiny from too much typing today. shiny like the left side of the space bar where my thumb rests, obedient, disciplined, bored. in fact I don't know why I'm still typing.

8. I've looked and looked, but there is still no CTRL-ALT-DEL function for my life-browser. I/O is the only option and, to be completely candid with you, neither alternative pleases me all that much.


and on that note,


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