guys, i have something to share with you. you'll love it, and if you don't love it, i won't love you.

WASTE is a program that allows you to make selected data available to a small, trusted group of other WASTE users, and to transmit that data in a pretentiously secure manner. the bits flow directly, using really hefty encryption to keep people in the middle from listening in. (it's RSA. it's the top-shelf stuff. it's what secures your online credit card transactions. everyone knows everything about it and it's still unbreakable.)

intrigued? you should be. read on.

take note: if you don't mind your isp, the government, the mafiaa, and/or rogue wombats listening to your internet connection, or if all you're doing is sending your family members some pictures of your daughter, there are more appropriate systems that save you the considerable overhead introduced by the encryption. on the other hand, if you're transmeeteeng ze seecret deejeetal meecrofeelm, or if you just look good in a tinfoil hat, you will find WASTE to be 100% cromulent.

still intrigued? here's how to make it go:


1. install WASTE!

the official WASTE project hasn't been actively developed for a few years, but the program still works as advertised. officials familiar with the investigation confirm WASTE can function in windows 7. furthermore, there are a few project forks in the wild (such as WASTE again) but this blurb is only concerned with the original. help yourself to the installation files by clicking on this link with your favorite pointing device.

assuming you're using windows, drop the installer into C:\Program Files\WASTE, and run that sucker.


2. find your power numbers!

the WASTE installer will help you find two big, big numbers (keys) that fuel the encryption. one key is public. you hand this one out to your pals (hence, 'public key'); they can use it hide information inside a bunch of nonsense and send it to you. the other key is kept private, and you use it to turn the nonsense back into the original information. anyone with your private key can unlock anything ever sent to you, so keep it secret (hence, 'private key'). the private key will be stored locally and wrapped up under a further password. if you forget the password, you have to start over. (you can have WASTE remember the password, but only if you're absolutely sure your spouse works for the KGB.)


3. connect to other humans!

log in to your router, and tell it to forward port 1337 to your local ip address (the one that looks like 192.168.XX.XX). this is important, but obscure, and if you've gone through a full WASTE installation and you're still unable to connect to other people this is a likely culprit.

several things have to happen in order to form a connection between any two users:

a. both users have to join the same WASTE network. (preferences > network > password)
b. each user has to have the other's public key. (preferences > public keys)
c. at least one user needs to know the other's ip address. whatismyip.com knows it, even if you do not.

make these happen, and you one user connects to the other's ip (under network status). anyone who connects to anyone else in the mesh will instantly be able to talk to everyone else who is connected to the mesh.

say alice, bob, and carol are all in the same WASTE mesh; alice has a direct connection to bob, and bob has a direct connection to carol, but alice does not have a direct connection to carol. data can still flow between alice and carol, but it will be piped through their mutual connection to bob. the mesh will use the most efficient route between users, and we know by the triangle inequality a direct connection will be fastest.

you should tell WASTE to automatically try connecting to a list of ip addresses when it starts. in (preferences > chat > perform), use "/connect host 12.34.56.78:1337", no quotes, for each ip of friends in the mesh.


4. share..

pick some folders, any folders (preferences > file sharing > sending). your friends will be able to browse the contents of these folders, wantonly sampling their delectable bits. those gluttons.


5. ..and enjoy.

now your friends can see just how refined your taste in digital goods really is, and you theirs, and the rogue wombats are altogether cut out of the loop.

what did the iphone cost me? oh, not much. just some dollars, and the chin-scarf i got in greece. i could tell the wife wanted to do a little happy-dance around the ashes of my departed facial locks but bless her, she restrained herself.

[aside:
r.i.p.
beardface mk. ii
may 2009 - june 2009
we barely knew ye
]

the idea of using an internet-enabled device to list and sell itself on ebay seems really sad to me. do you think your iphone or whatever is aware at some level of the depth of your betrayal? i do, and this is how it makes me feel.

oh so many joyous things sent my way:

firstly: obama with guns and lightsaber, from ted. this is the change i can believe in. also the change that can kill me silently in my sleep.

secondly: a perfect example of the male mind's filter, from walter.

thirdly: the one ring claims another victim.


also. i'm getting over a cold. at least i think that's what it was. i mean, if you feel sick in the morning, but fine for the rest of the day, that might mean you're pregnant, right? OMG LOL

is it telling that i find my greatest pleasure when getting shiny things?

concurrently i find my greatest pain when later that night shiny things first work, then almost work, then utterly fail to work, and then so thoroughly bugger my windows installation that it requires a rollback to prior restoration point. if i could i'd go back in time and just tell myself not to take the thing out of disk mode for any reason whatsoever and save myself many bitter tears of frustration.

bottom line: there is beauty in its utter simplicity. on or off. louder or quieter. linearly or meanderingly.

i thought my wife's nano was small, but seriously. i've had dreams that weighed more than this, and still held less data.

to a regular chess game, add ninety-six additional squares and two additional players. mix with infuriating randomness. heat until simmering with rage—the fastest path to rage is losing your queen, king's bishop, and two pawns to ted's fireball on the second turn; serve cold.

this double-variant of chess is perhaps the awesomest thing, ever. four players, and insane strategy-breaking cards. chess is to this … this beast as whack-a-mole is to global thermonuclear war.

oh, did i mention we built the board from legos? we are infinitely adaptable, you see.

pax 2006 lived up to its hype. mad props to ted for dragging me kicking and screaming. the bad thing about it was, as i had expected, the permeating stench of twenty thousand nerds. yep: 20k. a grand score, if you will; slightly under a gross gross. NERDS sweat is not nature's shower, you all need to change your shirts.

what was it all about?

unreal tournament 2004: the standby classic. they wiped the floor with me. i am not as awesome as i have believed myself to be.

half-life 2 deathmatch: i've experienced the game proper but not the pvp aspect, and the challenge turned out to be trying to balance standard weapons with the gravity gun. the nerds were faster at switching weapons, and so they inevitably climbed to the top of the ladder.

lunch money: creepy balding guy, you enjoy talking about little girls far too much. you've stolen any possible enjoyment i could have found in that game.

fear: what's better than a first-person shooter? a first-person shooter that enables you to walk on the ceiling.

a nintendo ds in every hand: okay OKAY you nerds, you've convinced me; i need one.

bawls: i've tasted bawls now for the first and only time. someone should tell the nerds that bawls jokes are not funny.

clay wars: the enraged bear-shark did not survive the clay … thing … that attacked it. impossible, i say, for how does one sneak up on the bear-shark? he's got heads that look in antiparallel directions, plus it's, you know, it's enraged. that's gotta be worth something. it is in munchkin, anyway.

femme-nerds: oh geek girls, you do it for me every time.

however, one particularly virulent nerd decided to share a particularly virulent virus with me. i cough as i write this, i wheeze in my sleep, and i fill trash cans with tissues all day. there should be a law stating sickness precludes pax. the penalty is you must give me your ds. starting now. with you. nerd. insult to injury: every thursday is donut day at work. donuts have sugar. insult to insult: the chocolate cake made for someone's birthday. if hulk not eat sugary chocolate cake, no one eat sugary chocolate cake! HULK SMASH DELICIOUS CHOCOLATE CAKE

the bottom line: i drool in anticipation of the 2007 iteration. i might even take friday off and work on bear-shark 2.0.