it's not just you. we all (at one point or another) desire peanut residue- covered- salt- covered- chocolate- covered raisins.

I just got back from the post office. I was trying to send a care package off to my London-living sister, but apparently the post office closes at precisely 5:00. here's how I know:

there are two doors a person must go through in order to reach the actual locus of business transactions and mail-sending.

there I was outside the outer door just before 5:00, thinking 'oh good, I see people inside. I'm not too late. the package can be sent. the trip to post office will be a success!' and I lightheartedly ambled through the outer door.

but then, disaster struck. evil big-haired postal malice lady saw me through her horn-rimmed glasses. she jumped over the counter, and in her haste to beat me to the door she overturned the Girl Scout cookie table, knocked a baby carriage over, and pushed her own grandmother out of the way. (I'm amazed at how agile a mean person in high heels can be!) I watched it all in slow motion, like Matrix bullet time only it was Post Office big-haired evil postal malice lady projectile time. she was salivating like a mad beast on the hunt and sweat was glistening on her furrowed brow and her hair was bouncing back and forth like something really ugly that bounces back and forth. finally she let out a blood-curdling warcry and took a flying leap at the inner door and just before I could push it open to send my sister her diabetes medicine and weekly food allowance, evil big-haired postal malice lady snapped the lock into place and collapsed in a victorious rage on the floor of the post office.

while I stood there in shock, she picked herself up off the ground, looked at me with feigned empathy in her beady little eyes, put her palms skyward and raised her shoulders unnaturally high, tilted her head to one side and shook her head with a big old shit-eating grin on her face.

I was pretty surprised about all this. I mean, I was prepared to spend at least $35 or $40 to send the package by air mail. think of what kind of raise she could have gotten from all that money! she clearly didn't understand the gravity of what she just did.

yeah, I'm pretty sure that if she had seen how big my package was she would have let me in.

I do not drink coffee.

not because I think caffeine is inherently evil, or because drinking anything that is made by filtering water through crushed dried beans is a bit unfair to the beans, or because I'm an uber-environmentalist from Columbia. I just don't like the taste.

but I've heard that these new 'frappuccino' deals are supposed to be better than coffee. sweeter, or something. in the same family as coffee, but it is definitely uncoffee. anticoffee. metacoffee. whatever.

so recently, I made my way to my friendly neighborhood student association center, and I bought a couple.

actually, I bought four. I drank them. my stomach was empty. it was about 11:30 a.m.

keep in mind that I never drink coffee.

and then, about thirty-five minutes later, a funny thing started happening to my geometry book. The lines all started moving. points danced and did cartwheels. orthocenters were most decidedly ortho-off-center.

I attributed this to the foul air in my house. so I stood up and began walking out my door.

the fun began when my traitorous legs obeyed the letter of the law, but definitely not the spirit. they vibrated. there's just no other word for it. imagine putting your hand on the hood of a '78 Chevy Nova revving at 9,000 RPM. you get the picture. I was a little taken aback, as you might understand. I sat down before anything more drastic started.

the fun continued about ten blurry minutes later. I was overcome by the simultaneous urges to clean my room, alternately open and close my windows, and do pushups. it was messy and I can't really remember the details. I'm glad.

two o'clock rolled around, somehow. I'm not sure what it was like for you kids, but in my humble little life, time wasn't exactly … right. I almost missed it, and I'm pretty sure I did miss it, more than once, because a phony 2:00 is nearly indiscernible from a genuine 2:00. you'll learn someday. a real someday, that is.

anyway. I vibrated to geometry class, where I fell asleep. but all the while, I was dreaming about Gödel's Incompleteness Theorem, and whether A=NP*A is printable. and I woke up feeling very strange.

and you might understand me better when I say that I'm back to a strict regimen of no coffee.

please direct any questions or comments to:

antimatt, in care of
Hatelife Bathroom, Suite 1

I'll be there for a while.

Citizens! Hear me!

The end is near! Between 23:59:59, 31 Dec 9999, and 00:00:00, 1 Jan 10000, the entire global computer infrastructure will collapse!

Y10K IS COMING! What are you doing to prepare?

You say that the more of your crap I buy, the more money I save? Fascinating! If my calculations are correct, then if I buy an infinite amount of your crap, I shall save an infinite amount of money! The economy of the entire world is in my hands and I owe it all to you.

Love,
matt.