what did the iphone cost me? oh, not much. just some dollars, and the chin-scarf i got in greece. i could tell the wife wanted to do a little happy-dance around the ashes of my departed facial locks but bless her, she restrained herself.

[aside:
r.i.p.
beardface mk. ii
may 2009 - june 2009
we barely knew ye
]

frakkin executives. sometimes i'd swear they think they run the place.

DID I MENTION THE DAY WAS LONG

there's increasing hype in our neck of the woods about investing in little human-shaped financial instruments. (we in the financial industry call these instruments 'babies.')

do not do it. without exception babies are a losing investment, for many reasons which i'll break down for you:

financially, gads, they're a nightmare. one baby will eat, wear, drive, and matriculate six figures of dollars of money before it is legally its own human and you can with good conscience stop pouring money down its maw. if you're to receive any kind of return on your money, you have to wait forty, fifty, maybe even sixty years and then your little youngster will gladly pay to lock you up in some geriatric warehouse that smells like hemorrhoid cream and old people's feet. great r.o.i. there, gramps.

their primary export is poop. actual no-fooling human poop. you are wasting good food by putting it into a machine that turns it to poop. there are starving children in africa, and you're making poop machines. bravo.

they have all kinds of compile errors. at first they sleep almost randomly and execute any dna they come into contact with. then they start blatantly doing the opposite of what they're told. (and have i mentioned the poop? I'M SERIOUS HERE. POOP.) they are congenitally idiotic; at some point in its debugging stage one will willingly jump off the tallest tree in the park and destroy every cell in its body requiring outlandish sums of your dollars to nurse back to health. (it won't die, though. they're robust little buggers; i have to give them that.) they are intolerably needy especially around late december, and when you get them what they think they want they will just break it and then want something else.

they get larger but their brains apparently do not, and the runtime errors continue. they will think they have this 'love' thing figured out and give it a shot for themselves, but of course they did not; they will eventually collapse into a sobbing puddle which you must mop up. they interpret neurological signals of fear and stress as fun and will drive your cars at too fast a speed and wreck two or three of them. they are bad with dollars themselves and will constantly beg you for yours. and when they finally stop exhibiting buggy behavior they leave, and will be totally normal for someone else. but not you.

and perhaps the most compelling argument is that everyone else is investing in them. there are plenty of (perhaps even too many) humans in the world already. do you remember what happened when all of a sudden everyone wanted a house? everyone started getting houses and then the economy exploded. there is no room for growth in the market. this is the reason eskimos don't invest in ice. or poop, for that matter.

p.s. poop. poop! IT IS POOP, HOW CAN YOU POSSIBLY FAIL TO UNDERSTAND THIS

another onion headline from my own imaginary future:

mccain campaign releases ad linking tina fey to terrorists, mafia, illuminati, o.j. simpson

rhetorical imperative:

ask me about the time i went on holiday and visited amsterdam and smoked things.

</red herring>

okay, hold me to this one:

my plan is to find a suitable hypno-meditation track, slice it up into very small bits, then rearrange the bits into ridiculous hilarity laced with subliminal messages of blatant greed.


i've already downloaded a couple to get me started:

deepak chopra - stop procrastinating and start speed reading all of deepak chopra's books.mp3

reiki - sounds of nature - kittens falling on cedars.mp3

alan greenspan - the_resolution_of_our_current_account_deficit_and_household_debt_
burdens_does_not_strike_me_as_overly_worrisome_but_that_is_certainly_not_the_case_for_
our_fiscal_deficit_which_according_to_the_congressional_budget_office_will_rise_significantly_
as_the_baby_boomers_start_to_retire_in_2008_our_fiscal_prospects_are_in_my_judgment_a_
significant_obstacle_to_long_term_stability_because_the_budget_deficit_is_not_readily_subject_
to_correction_by_market_forces_that_stabilize_other_imbalances_(ADVANCE)_BY_M@ddog.mp3


the internet is our collective muse.

sometimes i have bad dreams about scary things. of course nothing like this has happened and if it ever does it will give me an incredible feeling of importance.


n-e-g-l-e-c-t; find out what it means to me. i apologize most justifiedly for being absent for so relatively long. it is my plan to make it up to you. but as i've said before and will inevitably say again, a plan is just a list of things that will go wrong.

unintended victory of the day: quadrilaterals, circles, triangles. shapes on a plane. dig it; it's a homonym.