Thursday 28th May 2009

blog bless the greeks

let this serve as an opening bookend to what will inevitably be several posts about the effing greece trip.

it is time for an unordered noun list.

  • greek food!
  • greek food. i mean, seriously
  • ouzo?!
  • inbred kittehs
  • long hikes and almost-sunburns
  • siestas
  • ingenious monks
  • culture, and history and stuff
  • a healthy dose of perspective

ahem. w.r.t. this last. the world is enormous, beautiful, and full of everything. i just can't even begin to explain the immensity of what i feel. it's like this: take the biggest deepest breath you can, force the air in till your lungs hurt from it, and then in your utter engorgement imagine how much air there is left in the sky. the most you can contain is nearly enough to rupture you, and yet is absolutely nothing.

more soon.


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Thursday 30th April 2009

i love my wife

WIFE your chocolate and beers await you near the front door; please drive safely but speedily.


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Monday 26th January 2009

things like these are why they invented the internet

oh so many joyous things sent my way:

firstly: obama with guns and lightsaber, from ted. this is the change i can believe in. also the change that can kill me silently in my sleep.

secondly: a perfect example of the male mind's filter, from walter.

thirdly: the one ring claims another victim.


also. i'm getting over a cold. at least i think that's what it was. i mean, if you feel sick in the morning, but fine for the rest of the day, that might mean you're pregnant, right? OMG LOL


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Tuesday 16th May 2006

sixteenth day of mai

the stereotypical mother asks, 'if your friends went and jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?' the correct answer (into which, by design, you are pigeonholed) is no. and today, dear stereotypical mother, i gave the correct answer to this very question. i chose looking at arcane words and symbols on a page over following friends off an actual bridge. you'd be so hypothetically proud.

also. remember how i listen to carefully crafted vibrations in the air? it's a thing i was doing today. and by random, the song 'mai' by loudermilk came on. it mentions, specifically, the sixteenth day of may. tell me itunes is not sentient. tell me! tell me! you lie.


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Saturday 25th March 2006

the real list

unlike some others i know, i prefer to deal in certainty and reality.

with that in mind: from the top, every girl i've ever loved—at the time. the careful reader will note that this reads like a list of french military victories.

1. age 6-7: emily ashlock.
i swear she was smarter then than i am now. she gave me a note one day saying i was doing well in math class—getting a lot of questions right or something—and drew a rainbow that made my little heart go pitter-pat. i saw her one day recently here in town and tried to strike up a conversation. she didn't remember me. that wasn't awkward or anything.

2. age 7-8: elizabeth burt.
jeremiah's cousin, though i didn't know jeremiah existed at the time. she kissed me on the cheek one early summer twilight. being young, i told a friend about it; she didn't take too well to that and our relationship cooled significantly. she moved away. i tell myself it wasn't because of me. when i was eleven i called her and we talked for about two or three hours. to this day i can't remember how i found her phone number, and it's a little disturbing that i could.

3. age 8: teasha hyer.
she was cute, and she didn't know i existed. the first of many. in the interest of saving space i have suppressed the forty or more who warrant this same description.

4. age 10-11: tina bradshaw.
my first kiss—sort of. truth or dare on the day before some vacation or another, literally underneath some desks. we "went out," which means we sat by each other at lunch and had boring recesses "talking" and boring stuff like that. by the end i was mean to her. when i broke up with her, i actually told her, by proxy, to go to hell. it's not my proudest moment. eventually we were friends again, and i was better for it.

5. age 11: mallory what's-her-face.
we went to summer camp together; someone told me she liked me and so of course i immediately liked her back. i don't remember talking to her—a good thing, otherwise it might not have lasted as long as it did. by which i mean for the remainder of the week.

6. age 11-20, on and off: tristi terrell.
in a plurality of all possible universes, i end up married to tristi. my first and only time "going out" with her lasted less than a month because i ignored her because at that age—some would say and still—i didn't know how to communicate with girls in any meaningful way. my strength was in writing beautiful, flowing, sappy, wretched "will you 'go out' with me" notes, and once that was all over with, i had nothing. she was infinitely more socially competent than i, and it was over before it was properly begun. as with tina, we stayed friends and again i was better for it. she once told someone—after our time was up—that for a very long time, she thought we would end up together, in the marital sense; independently i told this same person the same thing. you can imagine my shock. i never really got over tristi until one summer she found the right guy (or at least one of the many right guys) and never looked back.

7. age 12-13: sara kattenhorn.
against my better judgment. her cuteness devastated me and through it all she was immune to my charms. in retrospect, i'm glad.

8. age 14: naomi mendoza.
the package had a very nice wrapping job but was utterly empty, if you take me. i totally don't want to talk about it. nor, i'd wager, does jeremiah.

9. age 14-16: morgan johnston.
i now think of our relationship back then as very similar to that between tim & dawn or jim & pam, only without the reciprocated romantic interest. perhaps something might have come of it had i mentioned anything to her, or at least shown some depth of character, but no: i instead chose to act silly. so that's all over with. i recently found out she got married to precisely the wrong guy. not that i'm judging you, punk, but you don't deserve her.

10. age 15: malinda hessel.
nearly every male i knew spent at least a week desperately infatuated with malinda, and rightly so. she was probably the sweetest girl in my life at the time—and she spoke to me on occasion.

11. age 17: heather kellogg.
my first proper, official, healthy, publicly acknowledged relationship: three months, called on account of graduation. we had conversations that shimmer in my mind like chopin put to words. we could keep up marvelously with each other.

12. age 18: megan lacey.
once she touched my right pinky, and you'll never convince me she didn't mean to do it. she was just outside-the-box enough, and just british enough, to make me fawn, swoon, and otherwise twitterpate. we flirted well. at least she did. i'd give a dollar to find out what she thought of me then.

13. age 18: courtney gravett.
wide-set blue-green eyes, short hair, almost deitific skill with the written word—what more could a romantic idealist hope for? oh, right, steamy kisses in my dorm room. well, there might have been some of that.

14. age 18-20: kara cockrum.
you flirted in oh-such-a-sly way, had that smile, and that hair, and you expect me to be too young for you? (i repeat: i recently found out she got married to precisely the wrong guy. not that i'm judging you, punk, but you don't deserve her.)

15. age 19-20: avril atkinson.
older than i by a significant margin and so far out of my league i might as well have been playing a completely different sport, we still had some good talks. she calmed me. she was working on an advanced psychology degree and i've always liked to be analyzed; we were like two puzzle pieces. unfortunately we were not two adjacent puzzle pieces. i don't know where she ended up.

16. age 20-present: she who must not be named.
i win.


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Tuesday 4th October 2005

manual

congratulations! you are now the proud owner of your very own matt waters. since this is probably your first experience with matt waters, the makers have provided you with a list of things you can do and avoid in order to maximize your enjoyment with matt waters.

for best results, converse with matt waters using facts and linear ideas. matt waters is powered by a neural net cortical processor, which learns at an optimal rate when offered specific, concrete notions. when conversing, avoid shouting, labelling, unsound arguments, and jumping to conclusions. never physically or verbally attack matt waters, as this will cause matt waters to grow agitated and irreversibly introverted and may lead to permanent isolated loss of rational function.

treat matt waters with utmost care and love. matt waters is designed to act rationally and will do so whenever possible in every situation, but possesses a residual amount of emotion as well. matt waters has been painstakingly hardened against emotional outbursts of all sorts and has been trained to turn such emotional reactivity inward for additional processing. do not mistake matt waters' silence for lack of caring—suggestions to this effect will not be met positively.

allow matt waters to make jokes.

if you elect to use matt waters in a romantic fashion, allow matt waters ample time to understand his role in this respect, and understand that certain related circumstances may cause significant, widespread loss of rational function. once matt waters' role is established and understood, squeeze matt waters at every opportunity.

do not drop matt waters. matt waters contains certain very fragile components, and though encased in specialized protective tissue, excessive forces may damage vital elements of matt waters.

understand that matt waters will attempt to bring order to immediate surroundings in a very peculiar fashion; it is recommended that matt waters be allowed to do so without obstruction, as this leads to increased happiness and productivity for matt waters.

allow matt waters ample access to media of all sorts (including popular music, film, and literature; electronic games; the internet; television and radio; etc.). a sense of connectedness with the world is crucially important to the well-being of matt waters.

never force matt waters to interact with strangers.

wrap matt waters daily in sensible clothing befitting the weather, without concerning matt waters with popular fashion. never wrap matt waters in clothing that advocates any particular sports organization—matt waters does not contain programming to allow him to fully understand sporting activity. do not pull matt waters' trousers up farther than matt waters desires.

insert high-quality, highly nutritional food into matt waters; however, occasionally allow matt waters to ingest substances that have little nutritional value, such as sweets, pizza, or certain illicit beverages. if matt waters appears to be ingesting alarming amounts of any of these, disallow the activity immediately.

if matt waters' temperature rises significantly above nominal 98.6°f, place matt waters in a darkened room and provide matt waters with water, vitamins, aspirin, books, and warm blankets until temperature returns to normal.

when powering down matt waters, allow at least an hour for matt waters to complete routine cortical processor maintenance operations before entering a hibernation state. hibernation periods should last at least seven hours nightly. each morning, allow at least an hour for matt waters to power up all components before expecting optimal performance.


with proper care and upkeep, you can expect many decades of mutually beneficial rational interaction with matt waters. thank you for purchasing matt waters. enjoy matt waters responsibly.


the matt waters name, along with matt waters' genome and programming are copyright© 1981-20xx the makers. all rights reserved


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Saturday 6th November 2004

re-update

and we're job'd, the two of us.

finally! I can instead whine about something substantial. stay tuned. (for now I'm tired.)


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