Thursday 19th November 2009

these are the things that are broken

ordered list, i choose you:

  1. the car thing that's supposed to save the world. you see, those awesome batteries occasionally die. and apparently they're awesomely expensive. but i have some good news! i just paid a bunch of money to someone to basically let me keep using what i had already paid for.
  2. the iphone. though at&t doesn't know it's an iphone, and that's kind of at the root of the problem. in order to avoid allowing them to ream you on the data plan you have to perform some digital magic, among other steps. but this magic has certain side effects, including people can't call you. ask your doctor if ultrasn0w is right for you—i should have.
  3. the roof. it has holes. in it.
  4. the stereo of my other vehicle. a long time ago i turned the ignition in my truck a certain number of clicks so i could listen to the radio or whatever, but went one click too far, and then back a click, all in rapid succession, and this let the magic smoke out of the shiny lights of the faceplate. and magic smoke, as any scientist will tell you, is hard to put back in a device after it has escaped.
  5. the nail of my left index finger. and now every time i use it it's like the terrorists won their war against the kittens.
  6. the dog. i've made clear my thoughts on the matter of sub-sentient life forms. they exude smelly substances and totally ignorant of this fact. they whine for attention. and not one of them has a job.
  7. the internet. will eventually become skynet.
  8. my liver. and i have the other items in this list to blame.

posted by mAtt @ 20.15 (gmt+0000)
to /humans/unhappiness

Monday 5th January 2009

do not invest in babies

there's increasing hype in our neck of the woods about investing in little human-shaped financial instruments. (we in the financial industry call these instruments 'babies.')

do not do it. without exception babies are a losing investment, for many reasons which i'll break down for you:

financially, gads, they're a nightmare. one baby will eat, wear, drive, and matriculate six figures of dollars of money before it is legally its own human and you can with good conscience stop pouring money down its maw. if you're to receive any kind of return on your money, you have to wait forty, fifty, maybe even sixty years and then your little youngster will gladly pay to lock you up in some geriatric warehouse that smells like hemorrhoid cream and old people's feet. great r.o.i. there, gramps.

their primary export is poop. actual no-fooling human poop. you are wasting good food by putting it into a machine that turns it to poop. there are starving children in africa, and you're making poop machines. bravo.

they have all kinds of compile errors. at first they sleep almost randomly and execute any dna they come into contact with. then they start blatantly doing the opposite of what they're told. (and have i mentioned the poop? I'M SERIOUS HERE. POOP.) they are congenitally idiotic; at some point in its debugging stage one will willingly jump off the tallest tree in the park and destroy every cell in its body requiring outlandish sums of your dollars to nurse back to health. (it won't die, though. they're robust little buggers; i have to give them that.) they are intolerably needy especially around late december, and when you get them what they think they want they will just break it and then want something else.

they get larger but their brains apparently do not, and the runtime errors continue. they will think they have this 'love' thing figured out and give it a shot for themselves, but of course they did not; they will eventually collapse into a sobbing puddle which you must mop up. they interpret neurological signals of fear and stress as fun and will drive your cars at too fast a speed and wreck two or three of them. they are bad with dollars themselves and will constantly beg you for yours. and when they finally stop exhibiting buggy behavior they leave, and will be totally normal for someone else. but not you.

and perhaps the most compelling argument is that everyone else is investing in them. there are plenty of (perhaps even too many) humans in the world already. do you remember what happened when all of a sudden everyone wanted a house? everyone started getting houses and then the economy exploded. there is no room for growth in the market. this is the reason eskimos don't invest in ice. or poop, for that matter.


posted by mAtt @ 19.08 (gmt+0000)
to /humans/silliness

Wednesday 1st October 2008

coming to an onion headline near you:


posted by mAtt @ 20.20 (gmt+0000)
to /1137/silliness

Saturday 10th June 2006

from an unsecured network

..i bring you the first ever inter-net post from my very own house.

i am a homeowner. well, technically, for the time being, the bank is a homeowner, but they kindly allow us to live here.


to summarize our other top stories:

i am a hardened catnapper;
the bear-sharks were enraged;
the radioactive lava acid burned;
beck music videos are winning;
i need a couch.

cheers, renters.

posted by mAtt @ 10.59 (gmt+0000)
to /happiness/insoluble

Thursday 8th September 2005


i know i said i wouldn't write about work, but since i make the rules here, the new rule is that i have suspended the rules.

for most of this week and most of next week i have been/will be inventorying everything the company owns. everything, down to the paperclips and cardboard boxes. it takes up my entire day each day, is very busy and involved, and is utterly silly. we're doing it for property tax purposes: we'll end up paying x00 dollars, but my boss is in the unfortunate position of having to pay me >1 week's wages to figure out exactly how much we have to pay. hidden costs, hidden costs. oh the joys of owning one's own business.

i fortuitously live next to someone else with whom i went to high school, but i don't think she knows. perhaps the visibleman's powers are weakening in his old age.


posted by mAtt @ 19.17 (gmt+0000)
to /humans/insoluble/unhappiness

Tuesday 12th April 2005

shameless self-promotion

you will buy my iPod.
you will buy my iPod.
you will buy my iPod.
you will buy my iPod.
you will buy my iPod.

hey, I'm a nice guy. I mean, you trust me, right? come on, baby. you do, right?

posted by antimAtt @ 15.00 (gmt+0000)
to /geek/visibleman

Sunday 3rd October 2004

perfectly logical to-do list

since you're here
you probably know me at least reasonably well (and if you don't, hi, my name is matt and I'm a great guy). so why not buy my laptop? (yes, this is the one that mysteriously returned from the nether regions of intercontinental postal fraudville. if you love me, you'll at least bid on it. if you really love me, you'll buy-it-now.) forgive me if I say 'no' to escrows.

since you're done with that
there's a 'popular idea' currently floating around the interweb. readers ask the author (in my case, me) to take pictures of things and whatnot and then post them to the author's (my) web-o-log. though I'm not generally fond of 'popular ideas,' I think this one is particularly fascinating: you get to see the current state of my life, and I get to find out what really interests you. I'm 'gung-ho' to do this, as the kids say these days. if you love me, you'll post requests. if you really love me, you'll let me do the same.

what fun!
what fun.
what fun?

something tells me I'm going to have to make dinner tonight (my wife is something).

posted by antimAtt @ 17.39 (gmt+0000)
to /geek/internet/meta/visibleman
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