Friday 15th January 2010

i have this recurring dream

where the world is divided down an artificial political line and all anyone cares about is the latest gadget and they all read celebrity mags and they're all filled with vitriol and all the food contains high fructose corn syrup and the corporations have the power and rush limbaugh talks and government grows more opaque and china holds all the aces because the deck was made in china and every day increasingly feels like the punch line to machiavelli's joke, and i'm so happy until i wake up.


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Thursday 30th April 2009

i love my company

from the q1 earnings report, released yesterday:

"Factors which could cause actual results to differ materially include, but are not limited to: unicorns; the credit risks of lending activities, including changes in the level and trend of loan delinquencies and write-offs; changes in general economic conditions, either nationally or in our market areas; changes in the levels of general interest rates, deposit interest rates, our net interest margin and funding sources; swine flu; wombat flu; wombat fu; fluctuations in the demand for loans, the number of unsold homes and other properties and fluctuations in real estate values in our market areas; results of examinations of us by the Board of Governors of the Federal Reserve System and our bank subsidiaries by the Federal Deposit Insurance Corporation, the Washington State Department of Financial institutions, Division of Banks or other regulatory authorities, including the possibility that any such regulatory authority may, among other things, require us to increase our reserve for loan losses or to write-down assets; zombie uprising(s); fluctuations in agricultural commodity prices, crop yields and weather conditions; our ability to control operating costs and expenses; our ability to implement our branch expansion strategy; your stupid face; our ability to successfully integrate any assets, liabilities, customers, systems, and management personnel we have acquired or may in the future acquire into our operations and our ability to realize related revenue synergies and cost savings within expected time frames and any goodwill charges related thereto; our ability to manage loan delinquency rates; our ability to retain key members of our senior management team; costs and effects of litigation, including settlements and judgments; increased competitive pressures among financial services companies; changes in consumer spending, borrowing and savings habits; legislative or regulatory changes that adversely affect our business; adverse changes in the securities markets; inability of key third-party providers to perform their obligations to us; changes in accounting policies and practices, as may be adopted by the financial institution regulatory agencies or the Financial Accounting Standards Board; war or terrorist activities, including cylon attack and/or occupation; other economic, competitive, governmental, regulatory, and technological factors affecting our operations, pricing, products and services; ninja wombats; ted's mom; and other risks."

(i do not, however, love the world's lawyerese culture.)


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Friday 24th April 2009

procreation procrastination

my sister-in-law has another of those nasty parasitic growths in her abdomen. but it's cool; according to the prevailing medical wisdom the body generally repairs the infection after about nine months. it's potentially a very messy occurrence, i hear.

woot! the pressure is off, for at least another couple years.


fun fact: this has been sitting in the 'draft' bucket for weeks; for the first half because i wasn't allowed to say anything, and for the second because i had forgotten. this fact was more fun for me than for you.


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Thursday 19th February 2009

should this please me?

hummer drivers get more tickets.

to be sure, it does; i'm just not sure whether it should. i believe i'm so enmeshed in my personal philosophy of 'hummers bad' that anything bad that happens to hummer drivers is good. then again, if i were an elf living in the days of the memory of the trees, anything bad that happened upon morgoth would be happy news indeed; this means either i am a good person, or (that is to say, 'and/or') i have lately been reading the silmarillion.

obviously, it is both.


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Monday 5th January 2009

do not invest in babies

there's increasing hype in our neck of the woods about investing in little human-shaped financial instruments. (we in the financial industry call these instruments 'babies.')

do not do it. without exception babies are a losing investment, for many reasons which i'll break down for you:

financially, gads, they're a nightmare. one baby will eat, wear, drive, and matriculate six figures of dollars of money before it is legally its own human and you can with good conscience stop pouring money down its maw. if you're to receive any kind of return on your money, you have to wait forty, fifty, maybe even sixty years and then your little youngster will gladly pay to lock you up in some geriatric warehouse that smells like hemorrhoid cream and old people's feet. great r.o.i. there, gramps.

their primary export is poop. actual no-fooling human poop. you are wasting good food by putting it into a machine that turns it to poop. there are starving children in africa, and you're making poop machines. bravo.

they have all kinds of compile errors. at first they sleep almost randomly and execute any dna they come into contact with. then they start blatantly doing the opposite of what they're told. (and have i mentioned the poop? I'M SERIOUS HERE. POOP.) they are congenitally idiotic; at some point in its debugging stage one will willingly jump off the tallest tree in the park and destroy every cell in its body requiring outlandish sums of your dollars to nurse back to health. (it won't die, though. they're robust little buggers; i have to give them that.) they are intolerably needy especially around late december, and when you get them what they think they want they will just break it and then want something else.

they get larger but their brains apparently do not, and the runtime errors continue. they will think they have this 'love' thing figured out and give it a shot for themselves, but of course they did not; they will eventually collapse into a sobbing puddle which you must mop up. they interpret neurological signals of fear and stress as fun and will drive your cars at too fast a speed and wreck two or three of them. they are bad with dollars themselves and will constantly beg you for yours. and when they finally stop exhibiting buggy behavior they leave, and will be totally normal for someone else. but not you.

and perhaps the most compelling argument is that everyone else is investing in them. there are plenty of (perhaps even too many) humans in the world already. do you remember what happened when all of a sudden everyone wanted a house? everyone started getting houses and then the economy exploded. there is no room for growth in the market. this is the reason eskimos don't invest in ice. or poop, for that matter.

p.s. poop. poop! IT IS POOP, HOW CAN YOU POSSIBLY FAIL TO UNDERSTAND THIS


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Friday 31st October 2008

john mccain (via email): 'all the polls are tightening! we haz teh chance for victory ftw lol! p.s. please give us a lot of money, we're starving.'

[http://www.gallup.com/poll/111679/Gallup-Daily-Obamas-Lead-Widens-Some-All-Bases.aspx]

oh johnny, i can cherry-pick just as well as you. (if the state of denial had 270 electoral votes, you might have had a shot.)


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Wednesday 10th September 2008

COUNTRY FIRST
TRUTH SECOND
WAIT WAIT DRILLING SECOND
TRUTH THIRD

(the truth is a completely inadequate vehicle for our strategic policy needs)


factcheck.org should be your homepage for the next two months, bitches.


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