everything has changed can you feel it? it's a newness, i've forgotten every nightmare i've ever had i can't understand your worry lines. there's no need to take my temperature. this clarity with which i see i wish i could show you i wish you'd just believe

me. what has changed me? these are not problems these are blessings in disguise, impenetrable disguise. i have changed

everything, can see everywhere. these walls the distance between my mind and yours is unknowable and i see this, such clarity. i've looked everywhere looked for a way to feel this alive. i see black see the white lines of the grid spreading out to forever beyond distance itself to the ideal point but i see it, feel it feel so alive such

clarity, such distance i can see where we are but do not remember getting here, the destination not the journey, something has changed i have lost control have lost my bearing. point me in the right direction walk with me if you will, forget everything take my

hand see the newness, feel me show you nothing has changed.

these pills i'm confused these pills aren't working we'll need to consider options. what if i stopped completely? never mind that you found me in the empty bathtub i was just resting, it's quiet in there, the drip of the faucet at the edge of hearing soothes i'm on

edge most of the time now, i'm on the edge looking over i can see forever see through everything but you remain opaque, you're the one solid thing but divergent fuzzy around the edges and not well defined, it underscores the need

for change, we've been over this your presence complicates things, you muddy the waters, you divert me. please will you stop whispering. this this is what i'm talking about, there's a voice in the next room it sounds like yours and i my mind makes you real i wish you'd stop whispering do you understand me? do i understand you? it's a

mystery this person i am, i am speaking as clearly as i can i can't seem to wake up. no i don't need your help, i'm fine i just lost my balance further evidence that these pills are just placebos it's a common problem these days, these

data the data they all point to the same thing

(in which i elaborate)


at some point in our past we had to deal with fundamental threats to survival. i mean it, profoundly fundamental: take away every comfort you know, remove yourself from the surety of your next meal, hide alternately from the snow and the sun, sleep in the midst of animals with sharp teeth, oh and while all this is going on you also have to make little copies of yourself and do your best to keep them alive as well. rinse, repeat.

under this continuous pressure, it was absolutely assured that we were always comprised of the toughest stuff possible. those with a fortunate allocation of genes departed at a lower rate than those without. over time simple probability distilled the genome.

now we're reaping the benefits of our inherited capability: as a species we're doing well. we've pretty much figured out what to do in order to avoid dying. to this end we've perfected space heaters and crop rotation and vaccines and a hundred thousand other things, and have twice that number of things in development. we have learned to modify our surroundings to suppress the bad stuff, and create environments capable of providing all of our needs. again, we truly can't be blamed for doing so—our deepest, most primal genetic mandate is to keep living, so we'll do what it takes.

but in succeeding so astonishingly, we have removed the very thing that got us here in the first place: pressure.

it's inevitable that little genetic ripples appear. in the beginning they were the cause of our success because they are occasionally beneficial—those that were not eventually corrected themselves through attrition. but with all the cushions we've placed beneath ourselves, with every safety net our large brains and modern life can afford, there is no longer any mechanism to keep these flaws out, so they accumulate.

i believe there will come a point where we will ultimately buckle under the weight. for centuries now we've been moving away from an equilibrium. we've become stagnant and inflated, and a correction is inevitable.

just the pain this time, once more with feeling, feeling just the pain feeling everything, feeling

bleak again, opaque, are you my shadow? am i in yours? if i am it's fine don't move, the light hurts me just

now, slow down you're going a mile a minute, i'm having trouble i'm having trouble focusing i'm having trouble i don't remember exactly how i

got here, this meadow is unfamiliar the wind is wrong here, here here you are, you are we are all aspects of the same, it's important you hear what i'm saying, the same entity do you understand? our names the line separating us is so small and so arbitrary, like us, degenerate so fragile i have so much to say and so little

time and world, turn me upside down shake me i'll forget it all. do you understand? i'm sorry if you do i'm sorry if i let you too far in. i need something for the pain. what are you putting into my cup, what have i swallowed, what am i on? i am on radio, i am on holiday, i am on fire, when my fever

breaks help me help me pick up the pieces.

NEIGHBORS our lawn is not an extension of your driveway, also thank you for your small gifts of dirt deposited on our lawn, and it is not at all creepy that you walk around on our side of the line for nothing obvious.

i can roll with the punches, you see, but not if they keep coming, and coming, and[..]



things not working thought working:
ignoring the problem. information. heart.

things working thought not working:
null joins. treadmill. taillight. mind.^W

it's just blood, you have it you have it too so why are you looking at me

like that? i'm fine, i'm just tired i never sleep, dreadfully tired but if i close my eyes the walls change, if i close my eyes i see everything, if i close my eyes you'll drive us off the road, i'm keeping us alive with my open

eyes, open yours. can't you see the values? the progressions? i'm keeping us alive. the permutations unfold and expand to exactly fill the container, replace the emptiness of the container, nullify the null, this far and no

further. the container is me so try to understand my interest in the topic, simple interest, never say obsession, never imply never imply the straightening of carpet tassels, never imply the need to contain, the need to staple, the need to parse, the need to make discrete, never imply whispering voices, i hear and feel

your voice coming from the next room i come running you leave you leave before i get there, remembrance comes back, this has all happened, will happen

again, i hear you again and see you, right here, i know this cannot be real i ask you to leave

again, i hear you again and see you, right here, i know this cannot be real i ask you to leave

again, i hear you again and see you, right here, i know this

is not a good dream, i can never sleep. i know this is not

a dream.

and in my best behavior i am really just like him
look beneath the floorboards for the secrets i have hid
-sufjan stevens, john wayne gacy, jr.

i've been thinking about this a lot, recently; do not mistake brevity for flippancy.



if M is mood, the magnitude of dM/dt here is so large as to be beyond mortal comprehension.