people attending: hundreds
alcohol units consumed: thousands
alcohol units consumed by me: 0.1
alcohol units needed to have enjoyed the band: n
alcohol units needed to kill an adult horse: n+1

DO NOT DRINK THAT MILK it is a bit past its prime and you will regret it.

ugh.


so. hope you all had a lucrative holiday. merry rotmas to all and to all a good night.

I'm having trouble focusing so this will be all you get for a while.


(who do I know in wisconsin?)

hatelife is the second helping of excellent food that is served approximately two minutes before the first helping hits the gut. hatelife is needing to ask for a to-go box for a homemade meal at a friend's house.

hatelife is being immediately pegged as 'the guy to beat' in a friendly game of speed-scrabble. hatelife is having to use lower-scoring words to prevent one's friends (and spouse) from being mad.

hatelife is being not mentally aware enough to focus on a conversation with: 1) sister; 2) friends (in person); 3) friends (on phone); 4) nearly everyone else.


however.

hatelife is not a lazy sunday at home.

hatelife is not sweet earl gray tea and toasted english muffin. with honey. with a blanket and a good book.

hatelife is not a four-month-old quarter-bobcat kitten (though it might be the manifold scratches on fingers received as a result of playing with the beast).

hatelife is not a newly employed spouse.

hatelife is not recent hatelife activity.

but hatelife is still hatelife.

well huh. osama bin laden wasn't captured today. kerry might just pull it out.

but really: whomever wins, we lose.

I do not want george bush be reelected. if george bush were running against 'not george bush,' I think not george bush would win. the problem is I don't want kerry in.

a vote for the lesser of two evils is still a vote for evil, and americans everywhere don't seem to realize this.

I voted (absentee-like) for badnarik, a libertarian. he's a smart guy, as evidenced in many many many recent interviews. if you're sick of the system (and even if you're not), please check him out.

the end (of that).

…

dear coors beer corporation incorporated,

you stated in a recent television advert that your beer was the 'coldest tasting beer' in the world. we beg you to tell us: how can beer taste cold? come to that, can beer taste red? can beer taste loud? we're all very confused.

love,

a billion drunk people

…

tomorrow night I'll be drinking not to remember, but to forget.

remember: that's badnarik. no no, bahd-nah-rik. yes, that's right, less nasally. baaahd-naaah-rik. you've got it.

(and, apparently, only if you live in the general vicinity of london. pooh.)

the interview (wednesday) I was dreading went far far far better than I had hoped/feared. the only problem now is that we have to wait for two weeks to find out the results. so what do I do now? keep jobbin'. booorrring. more on this later.

in related events wednesday night was the first night in months that I fell asleep before my wife did. … more on the wife later, as I promised a select few of you.


$4.50 for a bottle of wine is winning. once at a restaurant I spent $8 for one glass for a girl I know, and of course the price was not advertised up front. oh no. I had to wait for the check. fascists. WINE thank you for being so yummy and pink, you raelly hit thhe spost.


newly added to my wishlist: this. oh the things I could do with that much screen real estate. size is matter, friends. size is matter.


viral meme from the oxford dictionary of quotations (5th ed.), p.234#21: 'the terrorist and the policeman both come from the same basket.' (joseph conrad, the secret agent)

if you know the definition of a viral meme you're a winner and a loser. sometimes that's the best a person can hope for.

this won't match the standard I've set for myself because simply I'm just too tired now. I'm sorry for getting your hopes up and everything. I know I did. I'm intuitive like that. if I were a superhero I'd walk around with a big N on my chest and I'd be called N-tuitive boy.

but that's not why I'm here.

RUM & COKE is why I'm here.

I think I put too much RUM in the glass. I don't remember how much was in the glass when he stopped pouring. it couldn't have been too much, otherwise my mates would have said 'whoa there matt you'd better watch it' but I don't remember them saying that and now they're gone so I can't ask them. at any rate I filled the rest of the glass with COKE so the RUM was probably pretty diluted when all was said and done and poured.

I can't find my nice fuzzy warm sweatshirt and it's the time of night when evertyhing starts getting cold.

<liver> DAMN IT matt you've got to stop, give me a freaking vacation
<matt> YOU'LL TAKE WHAT I GIVE YOU AND YOU'LL PROCESS IT TO THE BEST OF YOUR ABILITY
<liver> you're the boss
<brain> matt, he has a point; I mean, even I find it hard to work in this low-oxygen environment. in fact all I can do is this:
<matt> qasoinfg;j WHOA BRAIN WHY IS THE ROOM SPINNING
<brain> lack of oxygen, man. it's all I'm capable of
<kidneys> WE NEED OVERTIME PAY OR WE'RE GOING TO GO ON STRIKE
<matt> OKAY OKAY you organs everything will be okay, I'll just drink this magic elixir and everything will return to normal, like it was yesterday
*matt drinks magic elixir
<brain> THAT'S THE STUFF
<liver> AAAAHH FAILURE IS IMMINENT
<kidneys> UNABLE TO KEEP UP WITH INPUT
<spleen> for chrissakes will you all keep it down? I'm trying to sleep and OH GOOD HEAVENS, WHAT AN INTERESTING SENSATION, I FEEL FUZZY
<matt> thank you magic elixir a.k.a. RUM AND COKE, you have ruined my evening but it feels so nice
<RUM AND COKE> BEHOLD MY MAGIC, I AM SIMULTANEOUSLY WARM AND COLD AND BUBBLY
<matt> in the best possible way.
<brain> this isn't so bad I suppose, HEY I'VE GOT AN IDEA, LET'S POST TO HATELIFE!

I certainly am a bit indulgent tonight it seems.

it's probably not a good thing that I only have one class on Thursdays because that's the day that I (theoretically) have a lot of time to do things but it's (practically) the day that I feel I can get away with doing nothing. therfore I have the right to do a few 1.25-ounch curls.

where does all this Dido music come from? why does she only sing when I'm had a couple?

DIDO
HOW DO YOU ALWAYS SEEM TO KNOW WHEN I'VE BEEN DRINKING
YOU"RE FREAKING ME OUT STOP IT STOP IT

OH YOU'RE GOING TO SING ME SOME NICE MELLOW MOOD-Y SONGS YOU SAY? WHY DID YOU NOT SAY SO OF COURSE YOU CAN STAY HERE HAVE A SHOT OR TWO. I'M PRETTY FAR AHEAD OF YOU, HERE YOU'D BETTER HAVE AT LEAST FOUR

too many caps in a row

jim_ never comes around anymore. it's a shame. I'm addicted and I need my fix.

poems write themselves in my head. if I close all my eyes I can see them all with my mental open eye, like on a chalkboard in a world that only I can go to.

I've started meditating agani. I can't remember exactly when or why I stopped. perhaps it wasn't a strong enough habit for me, but NEVER FEAR HATELIFE it's back on now .

I've learned more about lelia in the last two days than I did in most all of the days before that. but I'm not the kind of guy wh goes around telling people about things like that.

sorry, lelia, but this time it's true, and I really have to tell you that everything I have said so far in this post has been under the influence so I might reserve the right to take it back in the morning OH WAIT I can't because edits are extinct, maybe we used them too much and steve put them on the endangered features list and they need to repopulate for a bit.

why is my head so heavy? mabye I overpaid the gravity bill this month so they gave me too much, who knows. HA that's a joke, everybody knows the gravity bill comes every other month

DIDO please sing mary's in india, that one gets me weepy every time

I'm glad justjane is back. something was different when she was gone and I think her time away has changed her. she seems more serious now, but what do I know. mabye it's me who has changed. I haven't been away or anything but the point is people change and I'm people too.

comfortable love is a strange thing. I used to be crazy in love, and I still am, but it's much more mellow now and I like it but I want the crazy love back at the same time. perhaps this is just my male uber-mating instinct kicking in.

<male uber-mating instinct> GOD DAMN IT you've been with the same woman for three years now MOVE ON, MAN
<matt> but we're in love, we're getting married, marriage is permanent!
<male uber-mating instinct> marriage schmarriage, don't make me cut off the blood to your testicles!
<matt> ow, ow! the thought of that hurts
<male uber-mating instinct> that will teach you! let's go to a bar and hit on some sexy coeds and DAMMIT remember your ID this time, you don't llook a day over sixteen
<matt> NO it is Wednesday night and I must be productive tomorrow
<male uber-mating instinct> there's no cover charge on Wednesday and all the taxis in town know about it!
<matt> I'll get my wallet!
*** matt has left channel #sobriety

the point being that it's sad that the crazy love of nineteen inevitably turns into the comfortable love of twenty-two.

DIDO please play who makes you feel, that song fits my mood just now (thank you dido for living for free with your band inside my computer, you are a lifesaver)

david zilban where have you gone, you poor little emo kid, goth, whatever the hell you were you made me laugh.

NO NO NO NO matt this cannot turn into a plea for replies, we did that already

DIDO please skip to the hidden track of see the sun, that part of the album is really what Ilike to call dope

freedom, I'm manic depressive only they like to call it bipolar these days, I think because manic sounds like maniac and maniac has some negative connotations, but anwyay the point is that alcohol makes it more obvious that I'm manic depressive. I don't think Iv'e ever mentioned this on hatelife YOU SHOULD FEEL HONORED



consciousness fading

cncoses fdn

ccss fn

cs f

-

tell dido thanks.

I love you all so very much.







*** matt has left channel #consciousness

This takeover comes on the heels of the company's purchase of Seattle's Best Coffee last year, its then-chief competitor, for $72 million cash.

Starbucks Chairman Howard Schultz stated that the acquisition of South America would "offer superb specialty coffees that are distinct from Starbucks' current flavor profiles" and give Starbucks "an opportunity to launch the next phase of our specialty-coffee growth."

Investors predict that launching "the next phase" includes acquiring Africa, Asia, Australia, the central United States, and most of the rest of the world.

The vast majority of the company's land holdings in South America (which is to be renamed Starbucks™ia) are in mountainous coffee fields. However, "The fact that [Starbucks] owns more than half of the continent legally entitles it to the other half," said lawyers for South America. These lawyers are employed by Starbucks, Inc.

With over 6,000 outlets, Starbucks is the largest coffee retailer in the world. Analysts believe that the takeover could boost this number into the millions. It follows that coffee lovers across the globe fear the effects the takeover might have on the world coffee market.

"These monopolistic practices are precisely what's suffocating our market," said Susie Q, some coffee-drinking girl. "The formation of a behemoth ultra mega-corporation is healthy for no one but that particular corporation."

"Starbucks might as well rename itself the 'Worldwide Amalgamated Coffee Conglomerate' if things keep heading in this same direction," she said.

"I don't like Starbucks Quoffee, but soon I'll have no choice," said one quoffee luvah from New York.

Some, however, seemed in favor of the takeover. "It serves them right. That backwater continent really didn't have a diversified market plan, didn't have a dominant market presence. The Starbucks Corporation actually did it a favor by swallowing it up whole," said Dr. Jane Goodall, who spoke on a condition of anonymity.

"This is, I believe, the first time a corporation has initiated a hostile takeover of a land mass," said Thelonius McFrenzy, a professor of history at Harvard University. "This could set quite a precedent—in fact, it might completely revolutionize the way wars are fought in the future. Instead of generals leading armies of heavily-armed troops to the fields of battle, we might soon see [Chairman of the Federal Reserve Board] Al Greenspan leading armies of savvy investors to foreign markets, buying low and selling high, then saturating those markets with mass-produced products, cheap labor, and poor customer service. Kind of like what Starbucks has done for America."

In related news, top members of the Bush Administration have flown to the moon.

Scott McClellan, White House Press Secretary, said via satellite phone, "The moon is probably the last place Starbucks will ever try to take over. We hope."

not because I think caffeine is inherently evil, or because drinking anything that is made by filtering water through crushed dried beans is a bit unfair to the beans, or because I'm an uber-environmentalist from Columbia. I just don't like the taste.

but I've heard that these new 'frappuccino' deals are supposed to be better than coffee. sweeter, or something. in the same family as coffee, but it is definitely uncoffee. anticoffee. metacoffee. whatever.

so recently, I made my way to my friendly neighborhood student association center, and I bought a couple.

actually, I bought four. I drank them. my stomach was empty. it was about 11:30 a.m.

keep in mind that I never drink coffee.

and then, about thirty-five minutes later, a funny thing started happening to my geometry book. The lines all started moving. points danced and did cartwheels. orthocenters were most decidedly ortho-off-center.

I attributed this to the foul air in my house. so I stood up and began walking out my door.

the fun began when my traitorous legs obeyed the letter of the law, but definitely not the spirit. they vibrated. there's just no other word for it. imagine putting your hand on the hood of a '78 Chevy Nova revving at 9,000 RPM. you get the picture. I was a little taken aback, as you might understand. I sat down before anything more drastic started.

the fun continued about ten blurry minutes later. I was overcome by the simultaneous urges to clean my room, alternately open and close my windows, and do pushups. it was messy and I can't really remember the details. I'm glad.

two o'clock rolled around, somehow. I'm not sure what it was like for you kids, but in my humble little life, time wasn't exactly … right. I almost missed it, and I'm pretty sure I did miss it, more than once, because a phony 2:00 is nearly indiscernible from a genuine 2:00. you'll learn someday. a real someday, that is.

anyway. I vibrated to geometry class, where I fell asleep. but all the while, I was dreaming about Gödel's Incompleteness Theorem, and whether A=NP*A is printable. and I woke up feeling very strange.

and you might understand me better when I say that I'm back to a strict regimen of no coffee.

please direct any questions or comments to:

antimatt, in care of
Hatelife Bathroom, Suite 1

I'll be there for a while.