Friday 15th January 2010

i have this recurring dream

where the world is divided down an artificial political line and all anyone cares about is the latest gadget and they all read celebrity mags and they're all filled with vitriol and all the food contains high fructose corn syrup and the corporations have the power and rush limbaugh talks and government grows more opaque and china holds all the aces because the deck was made in china and every day increasingly feels like the punch line to machiavelli's joke, and i'm so happy until i wake up.

posted by mAtt @ 12.36 (gmt+0000)
to /unhappiness

Wednesday 1st July 2009

right, 'manly'

this weekend the mates and i will be living off the land out of the trunk of a car, eating the food we caught bought ourselves, wearing clothes made of rawhide stitched by hand made in china.

happy anniversary of the start of a war! eighteenth century britain can suck it.

posted by mAtt @ 23.11 (gmt+0000)
to /happiness/humans

Thursday 30th April 2009

i love my company

from the q1 earnings report, released yesterday:

"Factors which could cause actual results to differ materially include, but are not limited to: unicorns; the credit risks of lending activities, including changes in the level and trend of loan delinquencies and write-offs; changes in general economic conditions, either nationally or in our market areas; changes in the levels of general interest rates, deposit interest rates, our net interest margin and funding sources; swine flu; wombat flu; wombat fu; fluctuations in the demand for loans, the number of unsold homes and other properties and fluctuations in real estate values in our market areas; results of examinations of us by the Board of Governors of the Federal Reserve System and our bank subsidiaries by the Federal Deposit Insurance Corporation, the Washington State Department of Financial institutions, Division of Banks or other regulatory authorities, including the possibility that any such regulatory authority may, among other things, require us to increase our reserve for loan losses or to write-down assets; zombie uprising(s); fluctuations in agricultural commodity prices, crop yields and weather conditions; our ability to control operating costs and expenses; our ability to implement our branch expansion strategy; your stupid face; our ability to successfully integrate any assets, liabilities, customers, systems, and management personnel we have acquired or may in the future acquire into our operations and our ability to realize related revenue synergies and cost savings within expected time frames and any goodwill charges related thereto; our ability to manage loan delinquency rates; our ability to retain key members of our senior management team; costs and effects of litigation, including settlements and judgments; increased competitive pressures among financial services companies; changes in consumer spending, borrowing and savings habits; legislative or regulatory changes that adversely affect our business; adverse changes in the securities markets; inability of key third-party providers to perform their obligations to us; changes in accounting policies and practices, as may be adopted by the financial institution regulatory agencies or the Financial Accounting Standards Board; war or terrorist activities, including cylon attack and/or occupation; other economic, competitive, governmental, regulatory, and technological factors affecting our operations, pricing, products and services; ninja wombats; ted's mom; and other risks."

(i do not, however, love the world's lawyerese culture.)

posted by mAtt @ 16.23 (gmt+0000)
to /silliness

Thursday 5th February 2009

made of meat

this is a blatant re-post from facebook, because apparently (ahem) not all of you are there. your reasons are beyond me; and no, there's no reason to shout—you've explained them perfectly and i remember them all, i just happen to find them ludicrous.

if your time is valuable you can in good conscience stop halfway through. but i urge you, repeat, urge you, to watch all the way through. i know it will be difficult. you're impatient and youtube minutes are like dog years. but do yourself a favor. there is a secret prize at the end! (there is actually not.)

posted by mAtt @ 20.14 (gmt+0000)
to /entertainment/happiness/internet

Thursday 31st August 2006

pax, you make me sick

pax 2006 lived up to its hype. mad props to ted for dragging me kicking and screaming. the bad thing about it was, as i had expected, the permeating stench of twenty thousand nerds. yep: 20k. a grand score, if you will; slightly under a gross gross. NERDS sweat is not nature's shower, you all need to change your shirts.

what was it all about?

unreal tournament 2004: the standby classic. they wiped the floor with me. i am not as awesome as i have believed myself to be.

half-life 2 deathmatch: i've experienced the game proper but not the pvp aspect, and the challenge turned out to be trying to balance standard weapons with the gravity gun. the nerds were faster at switching weapons, and so they inevitably climbed to the top of the ladder.

lunch money: creepy balding guy, you enjoy talking about little girls far too much. you've stolen any possible enjoyment i could have found in that game.

fear: what's better than a first-person shooter? a first-person shooter that enables you to walk on the ceiling.

a nintendo ds in every hand: okay OKAY you nerds, you've convinced me; i need one.

bawls: i've tasted bawls now for the first and only time. someone should tell the nerds that bawls jokes are not funny.

clay wars: the enraged bear-shark did not survive the clay … thing … that attacked it. impossible, i say, for how does one sneak up on the bear-shark? he's got heads that look in antiparallel directions, plus it's, you know, it's enraged. that's gotta be worth something. it is in munchkin, anyway.

femme-nerds: oh geek girls, you do it for me every time.

however, one particularly virulent nerd decided to share a particularly virulent virus with me. i cough as i write this, i wheeze in my sleep, and i fill trash cans with tissues all day. there should be a law stating sickness precludes pax. the penalty is you must give me your ds. starting now. with you. nerd. insult to injury: every thursday is donut day at work. donuts have sugar. insult to insult: the chocolate cake made for someone's birthday. if hulk not eat sugary chocolate cake, no one eat sugary chocolate cake! HULK SMASH DELICIOUS CHOCOLATE CAKE

the bottom line: i drool in anticipation of the 2007 iteration. i might even take friday off and work on bear-shark 2.0.

posted by mAtt @ 21.17 (gmt+0000)
to /entertainment/geek/insoluble

Saturday 10th June 2006

from an unsecured network

..i bring you the first ever inter-net post from my very own house.

i am a homeowner. well, technically, for the time being, the bank is a homeowner, but they kindly allow us to live here.


to summarize our other top stories:

i am a hardened catnapper;
the bear-sharks were enraged;
the radioactive lava acid burned;
beck music videos are winning;
i need a couch.

cheers, renters.

posted by mAtt @ 10.59 (gmt+0000)
to /happiness/insoluble

Monday 3rd April 2006

comicon, comicoff

this weekend in seattle i went deeply into the red in both personal spending money and wife-points, gleefully spending both on some very silly things at the fourthennial emerald city comicon. i picked up some neat comic books—ahem, i'm sorry, graphic novels—loaded up on free schwag, saw the penny arcade guys, unloaded the free schwag into my car and went back to the free schwag table for more free schwag.

stale nerd sweat
six-person descent
finally being the least nerdy person in the crowd
artwork more powerful than you can possibly imagine
gabe cursing at tycho, in real time
actual jedi

food. as happens all too often on the road, i wound up with too much fast food in my belly. fried food is not food. it's like yoda says: chew or chew not; there is no fry.

posted by mAtt @ 21.42 (gmt+0000)
to /entertainment/geek/happiness/insoluble
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