Thursday 30th April 2009

i love my wife

WIFE your chocolate and beers await you near the front door; please drive safely but speedily.


posted by mAtt @ 16.27 (gmt+0000)
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Friday 24th April 2009

procreation procrastination

my sister-in-law has another of those nasty parasitic growths in her abdomen. but it's cool; according to the prevailing medical wisdom the body generally repairs the infection after about nine months. it's potentially a very messy occurrence, i hear.

woot! the pressure is off, for at least another couple years.


fun fact: this has been sitting in the 'draft' bucket for weeks; for the first half because i wasn't allowed to say anything, and for the second because i had forgotten. this fact was more fun for me than for you.


posted by mAtt @ 21.38 (gmt+0000)
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Monday 26th January 2009

things like these are why they invented the internet

oh so many joyous things sent my way:

firstly: obama with guns and lightsaber, from ted. this is the change i can believe in. also the change that can kill me silently in my sleep.

secondly: a perfect example of the male mind's filter, from walter.

thirdly: the one ring claims another victim.


also. i'm getting over a cold. at least i think that's what it was. i mean, if you feel sick in the morning, but fine for the rest of the day, that might mean you're pregnant, right? OMG LOL


posted by mAtt @ 19.18 (gmt+0000)
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Monday 5th January 2009

do not invest in babies

there's increasing hype in our neck of the woods about investing in little human-shaped financial instruments. (we in the financial industry call these instruments 'babies.')

do not do it. without exception babies are a losing investment, for many reasons which i'll break down for you:

financially, gads, they're a nightmare. one baby will eat, wear, drive, and matriculate six figures of dollars of money before it is legally its own human and you can with good conscience stop pouring money down its maw. if you're to receive any kind of return on your money, you have to wait forty, fifty, maybe even sixty years and then your little youngster will gladly pay to lock you up in some geriatric warehouse that smells like hemorrhoid cream and old people's feet. great r.o.i. there, gramps.

their primary export is poop. actual no-fooling human poop. you are wasting good food by putting it into a machine that turns it to poop. there are starving children in africa, and you're making poop machines. bravo.

they have all kinds of compile errors. at first they sleep almost randomly and execute any dna they come into contact with. then they start blatantly doing the opposite of what they're told. (and have i mentioned the poop? I'M SERIOUS HERE. POOP.) they are congenitally idiotic; at some point in its debugging stage one will willingly jump off the tallest tree in the park and destroy every cell in its body requiring outlandish sums of your dollars to nurse back to health. (it won't die, though. they're robust little buggers; i have to give them that.) they are intolerably needy especially around late december, and when you get them what they think they want they will just break it and then want something else.

they get larger but their brains apparently do not, and the runtime errors continue. they will think they have this 'love' thing figured out and give it a shot for themselves, but of course they did not; they will eventually collapse into a sobbing puddle which you must mop up. they interpret neurological signals of fear and stress as fun and will drive your cars at too fast a speed and wreck two or three of them. they are bad with dollars themselves and will constantly beg you for yours. and when they finally stop exhibiting buggy behavior they leave, and will be totally normal for someone else. but not you.

and perhaps the most compelling argument is that everyone else is investing in them. there are plenty of (perhaps even too many) humans in the world already. do you remember what happened when all of a sudden everyone wanted a house? everyone started getting houses and then the economy exploded. there is no room for growth in the market. this is the reason eskimos don't invest in ice. or poop, for that matter.

p.s. poop. poop! IT IS POOP, HOW CAN YOU POSSIBLY FAIL TO UNDERSTAND THIS


posted by mAtt @ 19.08 (gmt+0000)
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Thursday 18th December 2008

quote of the

reproduced without permission.


am i happy? is that what you're asking me?

in my life i have seen faces i do not recognise. i have learned to swim. i have questioned the authority of my parents. i have screamed. i can quote shakespeare and blake and my mate simon from the pub.

i have had a shower on a train. i have stared into the sun and i eat salad and i have been where i wasn't supposed to go. i have said 'i love you' and honestly meant it. i have spilled my dinner.

i have fallen over in front of people; i have worn inappropriate clothing. i have had to be pulled away from hitting on a friend's mum. i have mourned the loss of someone i knew and admired the courage of.

i use words i don't understand. i have seen snow and sand and lived on a boat and been beaten up by someone i didn't know. i have acted in films; and i have been someone's favourite person in the whole world. i know why the sky is blue and i once deliberately set fire to the carpet of the room i was in at the time.

i have been beaten, i have drawn, and i have won. i have been moved to tears by music and i never wanted to let her go. i have let people down and i have pulled through; i have pushed someone in anger and i am a good backgammon player.

some say i have everything going for me. i am twenty-two years old; i am defined by everything i have ever experienced.

so if that's what you're asking me i don't know. but i'm never going to be anyone else, and that's fine. don't worry if things are different to how they used to be. today i made someone smile. that's my ambition for tomorrow, too.


posted by mAtt @ 18.44 (gmt+0000)
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Tuesday 25th November 2008

today i learned the same secret applied independently to two people living on opposite sides of the world.

THE WORLD IS CRAZY and made just a bit smaller by this little knot that ties us all together; this profoundly satisfies me.


posted by mAtt @ 0.25 (gmt+0000)
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Monday 11th August 2008

SELECT fldRelationship
FROM tblHumans
WHERE fldHumanName=/*name obfuscated to protect the innocent*/
GROUP BY fldRelationship
ORDER BY Min(fldEffectiveDate)

——
NULL
boyfriend-in-law
fiancé-in-law
brother-in-law
(t.b.d.)
——

5 row(s) affected


posted by mAtt @ 0.58 (gmt+0000)
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