in my life i have seen faces i do not recognise. i have learned to swim. i have questioned the authority of my parents. i have screamed. i can quote shakespeare and blake and my mate simon from the pub.

i have had a shower on a train. i have stared into the sun and i eat salad and i have been where i wasn't supposed to go. i have said 'i love you' and honestly meant it. i have spilled my dinner.

i have fallen over in front of people; i have worn inappropriate clothing. i have had to be pulled away from hitting on a friend's mum. i have mourned the loss of someone i knew and admired the courage of.

i use words i don't understand. i have seen snow and sand and lived on a boat and been beaten up by someone i didn't know. i have acted in films; and i have been someone's favourite person in the whole world. i know why the sky is blue and i once deliberately set fire to the carpet of the room i was in at the time.

i have been beaten, i have drawn, and i have won. i have been moved to tears by music and i never wanted to let her go. i have let people down and i have pulled through; i have pushed someone in anger and i am a good backgammon player.

some say i have everything going for me. i am twenty-two years old; i am defined by everything i have ever experienced.

so if that's what you're asking me i don't know. but i'm never going to be anyone else, and that's fine. don't worry if things are different to how they used to be. today i made someone smile. that's my ambition for tomorrow, too.

before you read them (or even if you already have), please read this. it's important to me that you do.

i want you all to know that the person who wrote everything up to this point in time (the death of hatelife as we knew it) was, more or less, everything he hated: angsty, small-minded, short-sighted, self-important, bigoted, selfish, lazy, underhanded; i swore too much and drank too much and cared too little and was acutely and in every way immature. i'd like to think the person who wrote everything after this point grew up, and perhaps he did; i'd like to think it's an ongoing process, and perhaps it is.

but the point is: i'd thank you kindly not to judge me for who i was. nor for who i am now, for that matter.

give peace a chance?

thankya.


cheers
-matt.

I showed these to fiancee; she said she'd let me know. I don't think she was impressed by #3, though, as it gives me something of an excuse (if need be). she did like #7.

I must be a big boy now? I don't wear those big boy diaper-pants so it's hard to tell.


SOUL thank you for sticking around for the last twenty-something years, you are useful in a pinch and I appreciate your diverse and manifold contributions to my existence.


[aside: this is the BIRTHDAY BOX, upon which I shall stand for the next 15.5 hours in celebration of the aforementioned event. you will all bring presents and cake and we will 'rock out' and 'party like it's 1999' and the like.]

…

contour integrals kick my ass, repeatedly, all throughout the day, and their feet never get tired.

…

bets entered into (today): 1
best lost (today): 1
money lost to bets (today): $1

…

ponderance: what is the resolution of the eye? how small is an 'ocular pixel?' why can we not harness this massively efficient bio-technology for incorporation into Unreal Tournament?

…

studies have shown that people who eat peanuts live longer than people who do not eat.

…

AAAAAH every website in the world is down simultaneously: we will not survive this.

…

shut it up, me.

[fin]

with the decline in the average apparent age and intelligence of users at hatelife recently, coupled with a simultaneous rise in angst and teenagerness in the same population, I have no choice but to leave it up to chance, to the magic decision-making 1/0 yes/no true/false algorithm, which never lies and whose decision is final and absolute and irrefutable and unappealable.



heads, I stay.
tails, I'm gone forever.

I'm serious about this.




believe me, I've thought a lot about it. I guess it all comes down to my needs.

do I need to stay? no. there are other journal sites out there in the great mysterious interweb.
would I be missed? probably. at least to a select few. at least for a while.
would they get over it? yes.
really? definitely.
would I miss hatelife? I already do. in the sense that it's not what it was when I started typing here; something has emerged and I'm not sure I fit in anymore.
do I enjoy hatelife? yes. I honestly do. and that's why it'll be hard to leave if tails should come up.

my next post might be my last. it'll be #200. a nice milestone. (but who's counting? the mystery box at the top-right corner and that's about it.)



honestly I'm hoping for heads. if not, I've made my peace but either way you'll be the first to know. actually the second because I'll know before you do. that's the perk of being me.

and I think you should know that because I'm a sissy little girl, it will be at least 24 hours and possibly much longer before I actually get to the business of actually flipping a coin.


[aside:
THIS
IS NOT
A PUBLICITY STUNT.
]





here's hoping.

once again, wish me probability.


-matt.

I called her today and apologized. she forgave. we talked and laughed. nothing like the olden days of older brotherly pesterance. I'm so glad I'm not young anymore. it really is nice when sibling = friend. I hope it stays this way for a long, long time.


slashdot karma decreasing daily. we might not survive this. however: THANK YOU /. for proving again and again that I am not the nerdliest human living. not by a long shot.


financial situation can only get better. I know this because if it gets any worse I'll be living in a cardboard box and I've promised myself that will never happen.


red bull is yellowish. I've never come across yellow bull but if there's any justice in the world it must be red.

… how strange. I'm reduced to talking about colors of freaking beverages in this so-called journal of mine. something must change and that thing is me.



if writing insubstantial posts is cool, then I'm miles davis.


LAPTOP I will miss you when you're gone. we'll always have the good times to remember, though. like that one time when I typed that really funny thing using your keys. that was a good one. or that time that I used you to find out my grade in that one class. that wasn't so good, but I'll remember it nonetheless. or that one time I bought you on eBay. of all the times we've shared together, that certainly was one of them.


insight: quality of this post is falling.


I'll just be hitting the 'post' button now.

dammit, that exam has had the unexpected side effect of severely disillusioning me. long, long ago I thought I was good at everything, but that was before I had any real challenges. this isn't conceit, mind you. I'm genuinely just figuring out my limits. it's healthy, but healthy hurts. sometimes. really I just need to grow up.

randomly, I here feel the need to interject to all the kids of hatelife just how stupid high school is. high school is the dumbest four years of your life, but seriously, time passes and so will imagined high school angst. I know wisdom is lame and free wisdom doubly so and you're not even reading this anymore but it's true nonetheless.


old laptop is on the outs! I found a sooper-excellent deal on a near-new Dell, and if all goes well, the eBay proceeds from old laptop will cover the cost of new laptop and then some. how pleasantly good and nice when things go my way. I'll show you the auction if and only if you promise to meet my buy-it-now price.

boring honesty: I have determined/discovered something important. I only get gotten down [aside: grammar alarm bells ringing] by things that I don't expect. if I have time to mentally plan for them, bad things don't really bother me. I've mentioned this to other intelligent people who 'know me' and they seem to agree.


it's 2:20 in the morning and stormy outside. inside, though, I am the definition of calm. I am the jedi master. I am a singularity. I am zen itself.

on a scale of one to awesome, I'm pretty great—and the weekend has just begun.