Monday 5th January 2009

do not invest in babies

there's increasing hype in our neck of the woods about investing in little human-shaped financial instruments. (we in the financial industry call these instruments 'babies.')

do not do it. without exception babies are a losing investment, for many reasons which i'll break down for you:

financially, gads, they're a nightmare. one baby will eat, wear, drive, and matriculate six figures of dollars of money before it is legally its own human and you can with good conscience stop pouring money down its maw. if you're to receive any kind of return on your money, you have to wait forty, fifty, maybe even sixty years and then your little youngster will gladly pay to lock you up in some geriatric warehouse that smells like hemorrhoid cream and old people's feet. great r.o.i. there, gramps.

their primary export is poop. actual no-fooling human poop. you are wasting good food by putting it into a machine that turns it to poop. there are starving children in africa, and you're making poop machines. bravo.

they have all kinds of compile errors. at first they sleep almost randomly and execute any dna they come into contact with. then they start blatantly doing the opposite of what they're told. (and have i mentioned the poop? I'M SERIOUS HERE. POOP.) they are congenitally idiotic; at some point in its debugging stage one will willingly jump off the tallest tree in the park and destroy every cell in its body requiring outlandish sums of your dollars to nurse back to health. (it won't die, though. they're robust little buggers; i have to give them that.) they are intolerably needy especially around late december, and when you get them what they think they want they will just break it and then want something else.

they get larger but their brains apparently do not, and the runtime errors continue. they will think they have this 'love' thing figured out and give it a shot for themselves, but of course they did not; they will eventually collapse into a sobbing puddle which you must mop up. they interpret neurological signals of fear and stress as fun and will drive your cars at too fast a speed and wreck two or three of them. they are bad with dollars themselves and will constantly beg you for yours. and when they finally stop exhibiting buggy behavior they leave, and will be totally normal for someone else. but not you.

and perhaps the most compelling argument is that everyone else is investing in them. there are plenty of (perhaps even too many) humans in the world already. do you remember what happened when all of a sudden everyone wanted a house? everyone started getting houses and then the economy exploded. there is no room for growth in the market. this is the reason eskimos don't invest in ice. or poop, for that matter.


posted by mAtt @ 19.08 (gmt+0000)
to /humans/silliness


[+] Comment by Jocko

Ah, c'mon. You should learn how the Thais do it. They make their unmarried kids stay with them until they're at least 30 and this results in the child being consumed with gratitude and giving lots of money to the parents, before care home time comes. Alas, you are not Asian, and as this country raises selfish children who learn to make a lot of money which they don't really want to give to their parents, I think you are making the right decision to never have kids.

[+] Comment by KL

Chief export… guffaw… POOP. Uh hah…sigh. My belly and jaws ache. That was spot on.

[+] Comment by Litigious
[+] Comment by Hosstrodamus

Hosstrodamus rips apart the veil of realities to peer several years into the future and finds . . . you changing diapers and making silly faces at a tiny human. it is your destiny. It is . . . unavoidable.

But then, Hosstrodamus also predicted Seattle would win the superbowl this year so what the hell does he know.

[+] Comment by Someone?

Not to mention what Jonathan Swift suggested…

[+] Comment by nothing

I think Hosstrodamus might be right. Never diss the baby until you have one. The export about poop thing, however, is correct.

[+] Comment by chelfea

But it is the JOB of childless couples – AS ORDAINED BY GOD – to diss on babies. I don't hear them complaining.


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