Monday 18th September 2006

review: guitar hero

guitar hero is not fun. fun is guitar hero.

there's something addictive about hitting that awesome chord at the perfect time, going nuts on the whammy bar, maxing out my star power, unleashing the 8x awesomeness at the climax of the song, and hearing the crowd roar the sum of their approval. the resultant positive feedback loop resonates deep in my soul.

the downside is this: to master this game is literally orders of magnitude less difficult than to master a proper guitar. hence my forthcoming disillusionment when i go to pick one up and see no conveniently scrolling notes. hence my sorrowed lack of motion aftereffect.


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Friday 15th September 2006

left hand, meet right hand

exactly one fortnight after they finally realize just what in the hell you actually need and deliver the speaker cord connectors (which is about a week after where i left off) you will receive the following email from the (finite number of) monkeys:

'I am sorry that we sent you cables instead of connectors. We will send the connectors ASAP. If you have any further questions or need help with anything, please feel free to contact us again.'

as the connectors have already been in-hand for the last two weeks, this latest will puzzle you. you will turn down the power of your fully armed and operational surround sound station as you momentarily ponder the situation. did this email, like so many of its predecessors, get lost in the jungles of the inter-thing? did it take a wrong turn at 210.174.204.69? was it perhaps sent by the janitors, misbehaving after hours? at any rate you will ignore it and resume your total blissful immersion in sound.

ten days later, you will receive a second set of speaker cord connectors.

postmortem:
after it all, you will have gained two sets of speaker cords, two sets of connectors, and a permanent augmentation to your already overwhelmingly cynical attitude toward modern customer service. oh, and a brand new wrinkle on the skin above your levatorlabii superioris.


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Tuesday 5th September 2006

the greatest moments in music

what would i do if i had a million dollars? i'd meticulously organize my itunes library. i'd add album art. add genres. verify capitalization. strip comments. homogenize file naming conventions. create devastatingly precise smart playlists. i'd leave no song unalbum'd.

but, as they say, one doesn't need a million dollars to do that.

this little music fixation of mine is not wholly without benefit. i know more about my music than the average man knows about his very existence. for some ignorant reason you look at me as though that were a bad thing; look away immediately, but do listen:


nine inch nails - the hand that feeds, c. 2:07
trent got me to thinking about this topic. this moment is about pure buildup, then some more buildup, and finally a very satisfying delivery. like tasting the first bite of your favorite meal, the aromas of which have been wafting out of the kitchen for half an hour.

beck - ghettochip malfunction; c. 2:19
ibidem. we have a winner, and the winner is the speak-and-spell.

john frusciante - carvel; 0:00-1:56
ibidem. johnny! johnny, come back! don't fade out yet! oh thank you, thank you! you big tease, you are the buildup king.

bic runga - gravity; c. 0:28
delayed subtle bass intros are winning. regarding this song, my college newspaper music critic agreed with me, in very specific ways.

led zeppelin - stairway to heaven; 5:33-6:44
in a word, incendiary. i missed, and miss, the seventies.

björk - joga; 0:00-0:31, 1:11-1:18, and 1:59-2:31
count them: three. … though more correctly, i just can't decide which is best. so just consider the whole song to be a best very long moment.

fire set fire - the takeover; 0:00-0:18
i have a fever, and the only prescription is more loud dirty bass. fire set fire, you are the best medicine.

gorillaz - all alone; 1:57-2:56
this is a highly subjective moment, dripping with total emotional resonance. in this moment i am naked and manly in a national forest with you, and the monolith has touched our minds, and we throw bones into the air and they turn into spaceships two million years in the future. in seven seconds i am the star-child.

elliott smith - color bars; 1:25-1:49
another moment of total emotional resonance. in this moment i am in a 1978 chevrolet nova—purring the way a tiger purrs—with you, doing eighty, backs to everything, directly into the rising desert sun.

radiohead - like spinning plates; 3:22-fin
this song ends amazingly well which requires i turn the end way up, part i.

missy higgins - they weren't there; 3:43-fin
part ii.

meat loaf - objects in the rear view mirror; 9:39-fin
part iii.

elliott smith - can't make a sound; 2:20-fin
part iv. fade to bliss.


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