Thursday 17th February 2005

defining moments

so far as I know, no one has heard from Tim or Katie (the A student will recall them) in weeks. I haven't heard from them in months. in the past this has meant they're doing fine and history is known for repeating itself, so I'm not certain whether this is discouraging.

Tim, if by some miracle you're reading this, please write. I worry about you on nights like tonight, out there in the big dark (figurative/literal) jungle.

today marks three years since Nathan died.

I miss my friend. his number is still stored in my phone's memory. I kept at least five programs from his funeral, among other things. I have visited the spot on the road many times—many times without letting anyone know where I was going. I cry and drink in cycles (rarely vicious). I write awful poems that are meaningless to everyone but me. I vent and vent and vent and I want to move on, but how can I when the dreams are so clear and so often?

Nathan, there is so much I never told you. I'm married; you met her and I told you how I felt about her and in my head you gave me a friend's blessing. I'm still borrowing your movie and I can't watch it without thinking of you. I never forgave you for putting the moves on my sister third grade through twelfth, but I have now. I enjoyed the summers driving to town in your filthy stinking truck listening to your awful music more than anything else in all the rest of those years. thank you for all the wonderful barbecuing but next time please clean up after yourself and do laundry while you're at it. I have always been jealous of your ability to grow facial hair. it's because you're a nice guy that she cheated on you.

I'm doing fine but at the same time not. life has been hard since you died, but the introspection you have since lent me has taught me a great many things about myself, happiness and friendship, life in general. it's been tough but it's been worth it.

I believe in alternate universes, so in some ways it hasn't been so hard. unfortunately I'm stuck in this one.

yokwe, Big Nate. amo te.

(for once, I'm genuinely dry-eyed; I think this would make you happy)

posted by antimAtt @ 23.55 (gmt+0000)
to /happiness/humans/visibleman


[+] Comment by Jen

Matt - I think this is the only time you've written more than I about the day. I think I could get a whole four words on that day (something along the lines of "I miss you nate"… strange switch we did, hmm? Soon soon soon, is all i can say.

[+] Comment by HJR

I didn't attend the funeral, which I continually regret. I couldn't deal with it at the time. I wasn't as close as you guys were, but I find myself missing him a lot. I run across things and think "Man, Nathan would think that's hilarious" and then remember. That happens a lot actually. I don't think I've dealt with it very well. But I appreciate you writing about it.


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