The new The Lord Of The Rings: The Two Towers DVD super dooper extendo version is out at last! It has twenty-seven-and-a-half weeks of extra features, including over 190 cast and crew commentaries in seven languages, biographies of everyone who has seen the movie, and its own instruction manual, all in a 75-pound, 550-disc set.

I've wanted it ever since I laid eyes on it and now I own it. That is, me and the forty-odd friends who went in on it with me. But I keep in my possession a substantial amount of the story of the middle years of the great and terrible Sir Balrog of Morgoth, as well as the exclusive 9-hour docu-drama, "The Making Of Saruman's Fingernails."

But my love of my precious trilogy did not begin with the films, no no. Long have I lusted after these tremendous tales. In fact—and you can't tell this to anyone—I have the very helmet worn by the mean nasty evil Sauron himself. Mind you, I speak not of the Sauron in the movie, but the real, the actual Sauron. Oh yeah. Sorry to rub it in your faces, all you fair-weather fans.

Yes, it can be verily said in all the lands of Middle-earth, there never was a Ringie as great as I. I am the One Ringie to rule them all, baby.