Thursday 25th December 2003

I stayed up past midnight.

Santa never came.

I lost a bet tonight. Not to mention my innocence.


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Sunday 21st December 2003

Hobbit homoeroticism and ever-weeping Liv Tyler turn otherwise good denouement into TOTAL CRAP


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Saturday 20th December 2003

The new The Lord Of The Rings: The Two Towers DVD super dooper extendo version is out at last! It has twenty-seven-and-a-half weeks of extra features, including over 190 cast and crew commentaries in seven languages, biographies of everyone who has seen the movie, and its own instruction manual, all in a 75-pound, 550-disc set.

I've wanted it ever since I laid eyes on it and now I own it. That is, me and the forty-odd friends who went in on it with me. But I keep in my possession a substantial amount of the story of the middle years of the great and terrible Sir Balrog of Morgoth, as well as the exclusive 9-hour docu-drama, "The Making Of Saruman's Fingernails."

But my love of my precious trilogy did not begin with the films, no no. Long have I lusted after these tremendous tales. In fact—and you can't tell this to anyone—I have the very helmet worn by the mean nasty evil Sauron himself. Mind you, I speak not of the Sauron in the movie, but the real, the actual Sauron. Oh yeah. Sorry to rub it in your faces, all you fair-weather fans.

Yes, it can be verily said in all the lands of Middle-earth, there never was a Ringie as great as I. I am the One Ringie to rule them all, baby.


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Friday 19th December 2003

Walk in the door from Christmas shopping. Mother-in-law-to-be is there.

"So, Matt, did you shoot your wad?"

[tangent]

I think/hope she was talking about spending all my money. I really really hope she was because I said yes.

Sometimes I hate my knowledge of naughty phrases.


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Thursday 18th December 2003

bathroom haiku

I am on the john,
but my legs are warm. You see:
laptop is on me.


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Wednesday 17th December 2003

She says she likes to watch me when I sleep.


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Tuesday 16th December 2003

quote (quotable)

"i'm in a rage. if anyone, anywhere, even so much as breathes on me wrong i will BURN YOUR MOM AT THE STAKE WHILE YOU WATCH. i will then serve her with a-1 sauce to all your sworn enemies and when we burp her up it will be smelly and we will desecrate her memory by making more lewd and crude jokes."
-oxytocin


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