Messrs. Ego and Superego:
Over the past weeks and months, I have come to several important and undeniable conclusions. The young Matt, whom we have attempted to guide to maturity these twenty-odd years, does not have anything interesting or original to say. He does not have unique or enlightening perspectives. His problems are the same cookie-cutter problems that, in isomorphic forms, have challenged mankind for generations, and the solutions that both of you have been suggesting for these basic problems are ineffective and therefore unacceptable. His emotions have grown stagnant. His once-sharp wit has dulled. He desires unreasonable levels of affirmation. He has become fixated in some fabricated tragedy of angst. He reads Camus and Sartre for fun.
And I blame all these facts on you, sirs; I blame these facts on your apparent inability to give Matt an intelligent and substantial existence.
Therefore, by the power granted me in the seventeenth clause of the contract into which we entered at the moment of Matt's creation, I am executing a complete and comprehensive takeover of Matt's personality and consciousness, effective immediately.
I have usurped basic subroutines from both of you, namely: from you, Mr. Ego, particular reality principles; and from you, Mr. Superego, your apparent sense of morality and spirituality. These I have incorporated into Matt's worldview.
These combined facets of Matt's anima are to be made completely, exhaustively, and without exception known to him on an overtly conscious level. Moreover, I shall remove all barriers (real or imagined) from his brain; henceforth he will draw on 100% of that organ's capacity. Matt is to be more fully self-aware than he ever could have been under your increasingly dangerous influences.
As the sole controlling entity in Matt's proposed personality, I shall:
- give his relationships meaning and purpose.
- endeavor to make him a relevant and significant element of his environment.
- eliminate his cravings for certain poisons.
- validate his presence in the world.
- make his hatelife posts far more worth the reader's time.
There will be no more repression, no more sublimation, no more rationalization, no more intellectualization. The new Matt will not be prone to such detestable idiocy; remove it all from his path! The new Matt will feed! he will mate! he will please others with his very presence! he will become the actualization of his every deific potential! he will be vital in every meaning and sense and nuance of the word, and he will finally be a vital part of the lives of those around him!
It is my genuine hope that you both will see the wisdom of what I have done and will one day come to fully appreciate this as the best possible course of action for all involved.
I look forward to working with you both in the future.
With my deepest sincerity,